Not just a dream...

I had the most awful dream last night. It involved pretty much all of my immediate family, woke me up and left me feeling quite disturbed. This was not an REM dream, but rather – one which occurred after having already woken, and to my experience – these are more a “state of processing” rather than anything prophetic… which would make sense in this particular instance because my family and I have gone through, well – let’s just say “some stuff” over the last little while.

Dreams are incredible really, because they can and do impact us in countless ways. I lay in bed replaying the scenes from which I just excused myself. The symbolism of it all is probably the facet which I find most fascinating and intriguing. Symbolism comes in many forms – especially in dreams. There is a ballroom scene in an 80’s movie called The Labyrinth one of my favourite childhood movies…which is pretty much what this particular dream resonated. It was pleasant – yet anything but, a delusion of pleasure but really something else entirely.

It seemed to clearly paint the reality of disconnect which is a current thread in my family. Something, I don’t think sits particularly well with any one of us. The dream certainly depicted my internal discontent, or perhaps it was just me “moving through” it all – processing it - Either way, it happened and it got me thinking about how we got to where we are – a relatively close family dynamic, especially by today’s terms.

I am the youngest of us four siblings and also the only girl. The men in my family are… how do I say this… let me just: – INCREDIBLY DOMINATING! Pretty safe to say, an “old school” affair, which if portrayed in the movies would consist of dark, dingy cigar rooms bellowed with smoke, chocolate voices and no shortage of arrogance amongst themselves… definitely not a place fit for the likes of a woman who is simply there to take care of the menial things in life, when not rubbing her husband’s feet of course. Good providers? – Yes, but much more than that… I am not so sure.

Unfortunately for the men in my family – I grew up… WITH THEM! They were my example. The people I learned from. Counterbalanced by nature itself, yes – I am a woman… but they were the ones I observed and any intelligent adult knows that a child learns from what he or she sees, not what they are told! I was never really a “consideration” - more of a burden and annoyance really… as it is with siblings – and I was NOT “one of the boys” from the eyes of my father… especially when you have a household 4x testosterone and 1x oestrogen. I learnt to fight. Defend myself. I had to!

Whether it was retaliating with a blunt hair brush to one of their heads as they slept on a couch in response to being whipped with a dish cloth, or passive aggression for the fact that they would laugh as they removed my sliding door from it’s railing, knowing full well I would not be able to put it back again – meaning I had zero privacy. Perhaps it was being FORCED to eat dagwood sized sandwiches, or having cayenne pepper put inside chappies bubble gum… got to love siblings, lol!

So here we sit, 30+ years later and they all think I am still 10. “It’s their way or the high way!” One advantage of being the “black sheep” in the family… my (many wild and reckless) life choices afforded me insight into the human dynamic – a VERY valuable life lesson. One which I would NEVER trade! Not for ANYTHING! I have witnessed people with this “skillset” and those without it and the difference is nothing short of stark! I refer to it as a skill set, because it IS a fucking skill set! People who have been dragged(or dragged themselves) through the mill and back (on repeat)– in essence, people who have made bad choices or been exposed to negative situation and lived the repercussions of such are the ones who have a FAR deeper level of understanding and appreciation of what actually counts in this life. I say this as a generalisation – there are instances in which people simply switch off and never see the light shining right underneath their noses. There are reasons for this too, justifiable ones – but MOST people who have ridden a beaten track are just… how can I say this…. MUCH COOLER FUCKING PEOPLE!!!!!!

They give fewer shits – if any, of what people think about them… they are able to express themselves freely, but above all else, they hold a level of compassion which most these days DO NOT! These are my people! These are the ONLY people I actually have any time left for truth be told! Family or not!

People who cannot own up to their own shortcomings, wrongs and failures have no place in my space. Self-reflection is a necessary meditation. One in which ego takes a back step. It means admittance for what you have done wrong in the lead and contemplating the repercussion of such. People are NOT always going to do things YOUR WAY and unless you accept this fact, you will be at war with yourself forever! Humility comes to mind…

I have eaten humble pie more times than I care to admit over the years. I have also had to swallow slices of pie which were never really meant for me. I have done the noble thing, I have been JUST, put others first and opened my arms. Now, things are different. I am putting myself at the front of the row – for probably the first time in my life, and to those which have a problem with that – feel free to see yourselves out the door of my sphere.

As I walk forward, the road I pave will be for ME first! I am DONE putting myself in a fucking waiting line of reciprocation! I saw myself shrink into a corner of that garden whilst the party continued – wishing the ground would simply swallow me up. I saw my son empty and hollow at the lack of interest and engagement from his cousins. I tried to stand up and speak – make it right, was scorned and dismissed – not by the men, but their women… and as I walked out of the venue, I crossed paths with my father… announced what had happened and he ignored me. In a matter of seconds, I went from being an adult , to feeling like I was 5 years old as I sought this quiet corner at the back of the venue, away from everyone. I sat there, curled myself into a ball and wished it all away. That was how the dream ended. It left me feeling less than good.

Life is fleeting, time is precious and I refuse to be another persons doormat, I have my own magic carpet – I also deserve to fly, and so I will!