Relating and Connecting: How We Seek a Sense of Belonging

This is going to be a slightly odd and "experimental" post.

Lately, I have been thinking a lot about how we "connect" in this world, and the how and why behind our reasons to use social media... and what we share, in hopes of getting to which end result.

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Why are we here? What do we really seek?

As an experiment, let's put a soundtrack to this:

Allright...

Forget rewards and blockchains and decentralization and all that for moment... why are you here?

When we pull aside the curtains of superficiality, what remains?

When you drill down deep enough... most people are seeking some kind of connection — either to content, or people, or both — with the underlying objective of feeling "seen" and somehow "being part of" something.

Sure, we can get all scientific with it and say we're just looking for our next dopamine hit. But there are many ways to get dopamine, so why this?

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For some of us, getting to that point of connection is a tough task because we don't exactly walk in the mainstream of things.

Now, some might say "I'm not looking for an echo chamber!"

Perhaps... not consciously. But why do we put a message out there? Unless you're particularly masochistic, presumably not with the express objective of being summarily rejected.

Even if our objective is somehow to provoke a reaction, we are still seeking some sense of... connection with others.

"I disagree completely, but you made me THINK."

Bam! Point of connection!

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It has long interested me how 70-75% of the greater world are extraverts while 25-30% are introverts, but in the online environment the proportions are almost reversed.

A social psychologist friend of mine observed many years ago — in the first half dozen years of the social Internet — that "online, extraverts become quiet and introverts become talkative."

We were cooperating with a few others on researching some of the disruptive psychology that came hand-in-hand with the disruptive technology that was the Internet.

In particular, we were poking at the edges of the new "construct" of interpreting the meaning of "here" in the context of online virtual communities. What does your brain parse when you make the statement that "you're IN the chat room?"

Where's "in?"

No, the book never came to pass because Sherry Turkle at MIT beat us to it with her seminal book Life on the Screen which answered many of the questions we were looking at.

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But back to social media and relating.

I'm about to send this post to the Power House Creatives community, in the hope these words will somehow "reach" and connect with someone there.

But will they?

We sit here with one of the great conundrums of our time: We're more "connected" than we have ever been in human history; the entire globe has become our personal (potential) neighborhood... and yet there's a growing feeling of DISconnection in the world. People feel more separated and alone than ever, and that exists as a completely separate thing from Covid isolation. Covid merely accentuates something that already exists.

Have you ever watched a group of teenagers in a fast food joint, texting each other across the table rather than actually talking?

It's not a caricature, it's real.

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So here we are, and we reach out through our words... but what is the signal that comes back? And is it the signal we are looking for? Or the signal we thought we wanted?

Do we feel any greater sense of belonging? Or do we remain just as alone as we were before?

So what's with the music?

I love music. I often say that "music is my mind-altering substance of choice." I know that @jaynie knows what I'm talking about.

Music can also be a point of connection. In ancient times, people would gather around the fires and drum and sing songs of the tribe's history and endeavors. Music remains a point of connection.

Music can also be a representation of the sound of a person's spirit.

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Chances are that the tune I included is something you've never heard of, in a genre you're not familiar with. It's the sort of thing I listen to much of the time when I'm working.

I put it up there on a lark because it reminded me of a defining moment with my friend Mikey from college. I used to spend a lot of money on old-fashioned vinyl albums back then... and had 100's of albums. Anyway, Mikey was a graduate student music geek who had thousands of albums because he worked at Warehouse Music. The first time he came to my apartment he walked in — wearing his "Fuck Art, Let's Dance" T-shirt which is pretty obscure, in itself — took a thorough look at my record collection and observed "You must have the world's largest collection of music by people I have never heard of!"

I was perhaps 23 at the time, and it was a poignant moment that taught me that we are really pretty much alone.

I'd figured that if anyone would relate to my music, it would be Mikey.

Nah...

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Lest that sounds overly histrionic, that's not the point here. The "point" (to the extent I have one) is that I only listen to the music that resonates with the sound of my spirit and soul... and I am used to (and long since at peace with) that being somewhere on a map most people don't even know exists.

If you have normal reading speed, the tune is probably winding down by now... IF you were even listening. If you weren't, that's totally cool!

I'll leave you with this thought:

Music is also strongly connective. When a tune we feel connected with also connects to another, an oddly powerful link is formed; much like those people around the bonfires connected to their tribes. When Mrs. Denmarkguy and I reconnected in 2003 (we knew each other as kids) the fact that our respective music played in almost perfect synchronicity offered a remarkable point of connection neither of us had ever experienced.

A sense of belonging, somehow...

Thanks for reading, and have a great remainder of your week!

How about YOU? Why do you post here? Why do participate, ANYwhere? What connects you strongly to someone, or to a group of someones? Did you listen to the music? Did it make you feel connected, or alienated... or something else? Comments, feedback and other interaction is invited and welcomed! Because — after all — SOCIAL content is about interacting, right? Leave a comment — share your experiences — be part of the conversation!

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Created at 20210112 01:38 PST

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