The last time I saw her she said she wants to kill me, that time I felt awkward. But now I want her to do that, I need someone to kill me, I want to escape from this world of chaos. Everything around me is almost the same as I started the journey, but there's a lot of confusion about its existence. I couldn't find anything real about it. In it's a basic state, everything seems like some kind of a thing without any real reason for existence.
I've always doubted my impulses, I feared a lot. There's a lot of things I have written down not to do while I'm acting from an impulse. Maybe it's the foolish things I have done in the past which forces me to do that, still, I don't believe my impulses. Whenever I want to make a decision I usually wait, show some patience. Then I will find the solution to the problem after relaxing a bit.
It also wasn't a real answer. Sometimes patience isn't just enough to go forward. Sometimes one needs to make decisions as fast as he can. When it's late, there's no meaning in finding a solution. When it's late, it's over. I always considered this kind of stupid thoughts as irrelevant. I tried to ignore them. I thought that I don't need to go this much deep about my thought process.
She always told me from the beginning that this kind of thinking is not at all good. It will last in a lot of trouble. I tried to ignore her, She was some kind of an escape route for me. Whenever I want to escape from this all headaches I become dependent on her. Her voice and the flow that follows it, everything was magical.
When I look back I feel like she was the only one who cared about me when I say cared about me, there's a lot more about it. For each of my small stupidities, she started scolding me and told me to act like a brave one. On those initial days, she put all her effort to make me a human as much as she can. Then after a certain level, I become more human than she was. And that made all the difference.