Stupid things like a new guest asking for our BnB business card take my breath away when I pull one out of the box, why?
I realize I need to have new biz cards printed, as one name has to be removed. Damn, I could not wait for the guest to leave as the floodgates were about to open!
Why are those firsts so difficult?
It's almost like a new baby having to learn to walk on their own, or a young child going to 'big school' for the first time.
These little chicks pecking in the sand in search of juicy worms, learning to fend for themselves by imitating Mother Hen, remind me of the times I'm facing now. I'm having to learn to walk on my own, without the one who became my rock in a crazy world.
Going to our favourite shopping mall, and seeing the Christmas lights used to be a time of wonder, even at my age!
This time around I realized that another first will be waking up on Christmas morning without him by my side, or sleeping in and waking up to the aroma of coffee and a Christmas mince pie on my bedside table. All the material gifts in the world cannot make up for that!
Two desks, one a Hive of activity, while the other desk is silent and in darkness as its owner will never return to sit here again!
Our numbers are dwindling, out of four in this photo taken at a happy birthday celebration, only two remain, my youngest brother and I. We experienced our first Christmas without Mom last year, and that was bittersweet. I/we would never ever, in our wildest dreams nightmares have thought this would be the first Christmas without my sweet man, much loved by everyone, family and friends alike!
I had a vague understanding of how difficult these firsts must be when it comes to the loss of a life partner, but now see I had no inkling of the severity of it all.
I however hope to remain as strong a this giant old Rainbow tree, changing colours as it sheds its bark over time.
I'm shedding layers of emotions as time goes on and these firsts hit me and I evolve into a new me.
As with those little chicks, I'm learning to spread my wings, grow a little stronger and fly solo while dealing with my biggest loss.
I did not feel very strong when going to a bridal shower yesterday, as it was the first time going to my cousin's home without my man, and the fact that we would have been celebrating our 49th (yep, long before many of you were born!) anniversary just before Christmas!
I however hope to grow even more stronger and have the courage to face this unwanted chapter in my life, and hopefully find a brighter tomorrow!
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