Hey hey, Mister. I have a very special something for you!
Said Blathers, a java developer as he approached my desk.
I looked up, painting a pleasant smile on my face to mask the curdling hatred I have of software developers, Java ones in particular, who in my opinion all smell a bit feety.
Oh yes, what would that be then?
I said as if this was the kind of world in which men like he and I exchanged gifts all the time.
Blathers had his hands behind his back and was grinning like a loon. I hoped he didn't have a gun.
Well, BoomDawg. I know you like beer, so, you were forefront in my mind when I was brewing my latest batch. Tada!
He pulled his hands out from behind his back, in them was a dark brown bottle. Something within it rolled about like a snake.
I studied the bottle and then him somewhat suspiciously. We had never really gotten on well. In fact I could remember about four occasions lately where we had had some spectacular shouty shouty disagreements in meetings.
What is it?
I said. Narrowing my eyes in an attempt to force the contents of the bottle to leap out and reveal themselves.
It's beer of course!
He held the bottle out to me.
Reluctantly I took it from him. It felt oily. I hoped it hadn't been wrapped in his underpants or anything more dubious.
He grinned whilst I held it up to the light.
From what I could see through the glass it certainly looked like it could be beer. I have learned through bitter experience though to never trust my eyes. They have betrayed me on more than one occasion.
Did you... Make this?
The bottle was warming in my hands and I swear I could smell a certain mustiness emanating from it.
I did!! I made it! Home brew, it tastes excellent if I do say so myself. I heard that you review beers for a website?
I made a cat chewing a shoe face.
Yes, I do do... reviews...
Well, if you could give me your honest opinion I would love to hear it!
He smiled treacherously at me like a snake in a bag.
I smiled back. It was a false smile. I knew what this was. I had seen enough of the Game of Thrones to recognise this game. It was quite clearly and blatantly poison.
He was obviously intending to remove me and claim my seat or my shoes or something. Perhaps he wanted to sleep with my wife?
Well, he would have no luck with me. I could see right through him.
I would be glad to taste it and let you know what I thought!
I exclaimed as if we were hand in hand in the queue to see Taylor Swift in concert.
He said, no doubt already wondering if the shirts in my wardrobe would fit me.
He toddled off. Very carefully, I placed the bottle of poison beer in my bag.
Later at home I opened it.
A dank smell of corruption and sweetness wafted forth. I waved it in the direction of one of my cats. It ran away. I nodded grimly.
Aye, 'Game of Thrones' me would you?
I scoffed to myself as I poured it down the sink.
The next day at work, Blathers approached. He looked both disappointed and nervous to see me.
How was it, did you like it?
It was magnificent. I drank it all down and then took the good lady to bed!
I announced triumphantly.
Oh. Right, it was that good then? As long as it didn't send you to the toilet...
He looked both hopeful and unsure. As if he knew that I knew that he knew I knew he was a villain.
No toilet, just sweet sweet joy. Mmm, yummy. Thank you.
Blathers paced away, shoulders slumped in defeat.
I put my feet up on the desk.
This King ain't for moving.
What about you? Do you work in a place where they conspire to poison you via the medium of free gifts and kindness? Or was I just being a bit melodramatic!
Tell us your best tales in the comments. I will be there to listen!
Authored by @meesterboom
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