On the way to heaven

I’ve been wanting to write for several weeks but I still don’t know how to put my thoughts and feelings in words. However, I can’t postpone it forever.

On the 2nd of November my dad passed away. He would become 59 years old exactly two weeks later. Not even a month before he died, we talked about visiting him next year in Czech Republic where he lived. He promised to cook something vegan for us and I was so excited as he was a great cook.

He died at 4 AM in his bedroom. And I didn’t ask for the details, I just couldn’t. I decided to believe that he was asleep and didn’t suffer. A guy called me at 7 PM and I couldn’t say anything. I was shocked and didn’t understand what he was telling me. The only thing I could say to my husband was: He died.

The next few days were blurry. I didn’t know I could cry so much and I still don’t understand how I managed to organize everything. My dad made many mistakes when he was younger and my family didn’t find the strength to forgive him. But I gave him another chance many years ago and he didn’t disappoint me.

My husband and I spent as much time as we could with him and I considered it a privilege to organize a funeral in his home village. He didn’t have an easy life and it was a long way for him to change but he did it and I was so proud of him. I wish he had a chance to reconcile with my brother and sister.

We had a beautiful orthodox ceremony and I met his family after 16 years. It was all very emotional for everyone. My grandma was kissing my hands and told me how proud he was of me and that he kept telling her that I was the best daughter he could have wished for. It was comforting to hear that as my dad wasn’t very good with words and never told me these things directly. I knew he loved me but he never talked about his feelings.

My dad loved mountains and we managed to find a spot for him that is located on top of a hill. From there he has a beautiful view of the hilly region where he was born and spent more than 30 years of his life.

I think about you everyday and I miss you so much. There are moments when I wish this was just a bad dream. I wish to hear you again, to see you one more time, just one more hug..

I love you dad, and I am proud to be your daughter.

Rest in peace.

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This is how I remember you - happy, smiling, and loving.

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