As I sit outside with what is left of my slowly dwindling pack, I think of my boys who have both departed this world. Bandit left and broke my heart back sandwiched between a two week period of my grandma passing and my 35th birthday. He had cancer but we caught it before it really started to spread...so we opted for a full front right limb removal and a treatment plan that would most likely still see a year or two of a happy life as a tripod. He was crushing it until that night when I heard him hacking and I instantly thought of bloat. It was tragic, sudden, unexpected, and was my first real dealing with absolute true heartbreak.
Kitano, was also sudden although we knew it would eventually come. He had the big Casino as well but was being treated. In a matter of a 2 week period he suddenly started having minor seizures that got worse. When we took him him the X-Ray revealed that the cancer had spread throughout his lungs and most likely his brain which was causing the episodes. A couple of days after that his breathing started to worsen and I knew I had to make the tough choice. Once again, I was left shattered.
Luckily I still had my 2 girls Bindi & Maya, although it looks as though I will be most likely be having to make the hard choice again with Bindi very soon as her dementia and degenerative myelopathy are making for an extremely difficult and uncomfortable road. But I’ll be writing about that in a separate piece shortly. Just wanted to give a bit of backstory on the pack as we were/are one unit and it’s hard to discuss one without at least mentioning the others.
But the main reason I am writing this piece is to wish my boy Kitano a would be happy 15th birthday. Man, I wish he were here today. He made it one month shy of his 14th birthday and not a day goes by where I don’t talk to him and his brother. I don’t believe in heaven and am not a religious person, so it saddens me to think about those that have gone ahead. It’s so final to me as I don’t believe in a reunion afterwards. I just think it’s like what it was like before I was born. Nothing. That’s why I handle loss so poorly. I envy those of my family and friends who do hold that belief that we will he reunited with our lost loved ones. They all seem to be able to cope with loss so much more productive than I do. I truly am envious of their belief and position.
Anyway, Tano I hope if you are out there in some form of existence, that you know just how much you are missed. You triumphed over every obstacle thrown your way from a rare bacterial infection that was killing you on that day we took you home. To the massive stroke that you should not have survived, yet overcame like a warrior. All the while, never losing your playful puppy tendencies. Just pure furry perfection. I never knew just how much I needed the pack and you bud, until I had ya...then unfortunately have been reminded daily of it since your light burnt out.
You made me laugh all the time and my days haven’t been the same without you showering me with sloppy face kisses when I’d enter the door. Your smile lit up the room and my heart, and I am eternally grateful to have had you as my companion as I awkwardly navigate through my mess of a life.
I could sure use your strength and courage today as I cope with the issues that your sister Bindi is currently facing. When the time comes for the hard choice to be made, I ask for you and your brother to be by her side as I hold her hand one last time...just as I did with you. I love you boy.
I feel I’ve truly gone mad as I sit here on a stoop behind my shop. Hysterically writing to my dead dog as I wipe a tsunami of tears away. I know I’m going to have to deal with this all again very soon with Bindi as we are currently on borrowed time and that breaks my heart once again. I wonder how much there is left of it to break though...
Luckily I still have my Maya. Even after Bindi departs. She will get the brunt of my energies but I truly feel...at least right now...that I can’t go through this again. The pain and loss is too great and I honestly don’t think I can set myself up for it again. That’s disappointing as I always thought I’d be surrounded by pups my entire life. I just don’t think I have it in me to go through it all over again.
I sometimes wonder what different paths my life would have taken me if I didn’t get Bandit. Then Bindi...then Tano...and finally Maya. I wonder how different I’d be as a person. Either way, wherever I could have ended up, I’m glad I had the experience to know what unconditional love feels like. It’s truly remarkable and something that I think lots of folks never truly experience. The world would be a better place if everyone had the immense bond & connection I was fortunate enough to have with my pack. If you are lucky enough to be in that group...consider yourself lucky and cherish every second. If this sounds foreign to you, consider opening up your heart a bit and go find it.
That’s all for my ramble today. This was going to just be a birthday post but it trailed off into a sad pack of words as that’s just the state I’m currently in. If you read this, thanks for taking the time to do so. Writing about how I’m feeling sometimes helps a bit...especially when someone can relate. Let’s me know I’m not alone in this.
Happy birthday Tano. Wherever you are if anywhere at all...I hope you feel me. I hope you and your brother visit me in my dreams again. When I wake to those, they are truly the best of days.
