Figured I'd better scrawl this down real quick. Maybe getting it off my chest will help.
I died that day.
Yet I'm still here.
And in my death, I didn't deal. I drove away those that cared the most.
But to me I never thought they did. How could they?
I don't even LIKE me, so how could anyone Love me?
And that's the worst part of self loathing.
And the wanting to talk about it. Preferably with a random stranger. For some reason it feels like there's less judgement from them.
Or is it that talking to a random, they are. Less likely to think that u are just 'attention seeking'
I don't know.
But maybe today is the day. The day I am strong enough. Or is it weak enough. I don't know.
I try to fill the void with anything. I stay up til I can't anymore, just so that when. I Do finally close my eyes, I don't see you there.
I once heard that in each life you are sent back to learn a lesson you missed the first time.
I myself like to believe that I am meant to create something that will change the world.
Problem is, to be a game changer, you need money. Or to swallow pride and ask for it. Alas, I've always been taught that if u want something you have to work for it.
I did just have a small glimpse of hope. There's a beautiful red cheeked black and white bird couple hanging around in my back yard. Just spent 20 minutes looking for the slr, as the phone camera is good for close stuff and macros etc, but not so good for stuff in a tree at 15 paces.
The panic started to kick in as I did my 4th lap. Its always right there, or in on the computer desk when I'm exporting.