I went for a walk and cried and screamed and just felt how much I had the need for a Fight-Club in my town.
I feel shattered. Helpless and just.. empty.
And it’s been like that for almost a month.
I thought it was just a phase in the beginning, so I had an enormous creative block..it's been ages I haven't typed in this New Post window..my bad.
I've needed a time out. Actually life imposed it on me.
It started with the big comedown by the weather that just as much as it did our little sprouts and plants, wipe me off my ground.
And the hail hailing from the ice ages came and knocked all of us flowers out in the second round.
I've been waiting for the sunny days the entire winter. Every day I woke up I prayed for the strength to see spring around the corner soon.
And when the 20th of March came with loud trumpets, the Sun was out, the blossoms were plumpy and my mood was through the roof!
But that didn't last long for most of Europe. haha
As soon as winter left through the door, for some reason it turned on its heels and decided to come one last time ruin the party that started right after it announced its leaving.
The rest of march, April and now entered May, the weather is horrific. There may have been a couple of days that beat the current, but the cocktail Molotov of the never-coming-summer and the atmosphere that we have been imbued with for the past 16months just managed to fuck off my mental health.
Kali Goddess, by Crossed Comics
The pain of parting with the Old World
Priorities always press where it hurts the most.
The last part of April, I got confronted with my really desiring to part with this old world.
I'm not sure I remember when was the last time I was holding so much pain and mourning.
I did a Tarot reading to a sister a couple of days ago and one of her cards said something along the likes of: everything lives on, everything exists in either dreams or reality. There are many thoughts, ideas and promises that have still lived on inside of me that I wasn't aware of until now. Even if where my mind stands on today on the life I want to lead, I realized there are many myths that somehow are still alive on some levels in my subconscious, my heart or my body.
In the past years, there are many things I've been letting out of my life, with the time it got easier to let go of material things.
However now, in the face of all this situation, I realize there are many things, people, and ideas I have affection for, that I was not conscious I needed to brutally slay off too if I was going to live out the Life I am devoted to and the values I am embodying.
Many people I let around myself, only because I have affection for them. I should have affection for everyone in the absolute, that should not be the main determinant of a 'friendship'. A friendship is more than just enjoying each other's company.
There are many points right now in my life where I cannot accept to give my friendship anymore to somebody who clearly has not the same values or life perception than I and doesn't go in the same direction than I on a certain level.
All those 'friends' right now, even family, are all deciding to perpetuate a system that pimps them and stay in The Old World of Serfdom. It's just something that my entire system screams against and I just can't go on like this anymore.
It's not the first time I had to say bye to people and never see them again. I've left 2 continents behind already. But here it's my homeland. It's where I was born.
I remember I came back here many times because old ideas where still asleep somewhere and decided to springup in times of solitude or weakness and dragged my ass back in this country for a simple mirage.
And I know that. And if I am to leave this Old World now, I want to make sure right at the door that there is nothing that I would want to come look for anymore later.
THIS is what is the work now. Doing this eliminations. Sorting out. Packing.
And making damn sure there is nothing I regret leaving behind.
And today made me feel just like that.
