Full nest vs empty nest and the inevitable fall out

Mood: Dark grey to black

I won't be tolerating any nasty comments on my opinions, I am a lover not a fighter and I honestly try and love my neighbour as i love myself. I love my children more than i love life and fall outs happen. I am just using this platform to vent what i cannot write in my daily blog where my friends and family will be reading this as mad as they make me I will still try and protect their feelings so if you choose to read this please be kind.

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Due to covid and closed borders a life after kids became a 'life with adult children'. More often than not life is wonderful and we all get along but this last year has pushed everyone's mental state over the edge.

Disenchanted with my children and upset that I am feeling this way

Yesterday my kids and I had a huge fall-out over gender equality issues and fighting for equal rights for women in the workplace and elsewhere. Don’t ask. I’m totally prepared to accept people’s gender issues BUT I DO NOT have to agree or like everything that is currently going on in our world. I see myself as pretty open-minded but I do think our world is in trouble and a tad messed up at times.

Whilst I think there opinions are in some ways good and valid I do feel that this generation has seriously been brainwashed by social media and that it’s made their opinions quite biased and often very selective and hypocritical. Almost like their dish-washing and laundry folding, selective…when they are done there are always something left behind that wasn't folded or washed. As parents we are called hypocritical in a split-second if we dare stray off the expected path of reasoning. My opinion is that until you’ve actively experienced or lived through something you cannot say what your reaction to something would be. My opinion was dismissed even though I was graciously told I am allowed my opinion but it doesn’t need to influence their opinion. Who is being obstinate? Me or them?

Unfortunately due to us moving house more often than is the norm my kids missed out on quite a few expected rituals and life experiences. Rites of passage for lack of another term. For instance my daughter has had the same boyfriend for 4 years now and whilst I commend her loyalty and endurance as some of it has been spent in different countries which will knock any normal relationship out of its shoes I do think she should have had a bit more fun in life before settling down with one guy since age17. The fact that hubby and I’ve been together since I was 19 and been in a long-distance relationship ever since probably doesn’t support my case but having said that I was a much more outgoing teenager and had my fair share of partying,other boyfriends and heartache before I committed to my soulmate.

Did I mention that even though we are soul-mates and best friends that did not prevent a rift the size of the Grand Canyon between us after 16 years of marriage and ultimately led to a divorce which didn’t even last a week before we were back together. And yes, we are still divorced six years on although we still share a life together. Too scarred for more commitment but committed for life as we are nonetheless.

Point is if you’d told me before that we would hurt each other so badly but that we would eventually choose to forgive and forget I would have laughed you out of the room I was so mad. I would have said divorce is final and I never want to see the man again but once it happened I realized I was speaking from a point of inexperience and once I was in the situation I had to re-evaluate my beliefs and convictions and I learned the hard way that saying something and then actually following through are two totally different things.

I am Not even mentioning the changes and restrictions covid has caused as life before it was hard enough. My son whom will be 19 next month didn’t finish his conventional schooling and so missed out on whatever experiences those would have afforded him. He missed out on friends, on teamwork, sports with peers, a prom and even a girlfriend as where live options are severely limited. Both my children have no friends and are completely isolated from youngsters their age. He did have 18 months of college to make up for the missing school years and managed to finish both a business certificate as well as a business diploma which in Mauritius counts as a replacement for matric. Now however, he’s on my couch, dithering about life and spending his time getting influenced by the shallowness of social media. Both my kids are exceptionally helpful in and around the house which more often than not causes me to bite on my teeth and push through but some days are harder than others.

I was due for an empty nest this year and due to Covid, thankful but sometimes resentful I have both my young adult children under our roof. I even called my blog There’s life after kids. Being in a small apartment which was chosen especially for the post children era means we are now 4 very similar but also 4 very diverse adults cooped up in a very confined space. We are fortunate that we live in Mauritius which is and has been covid free for nearly a year now so life on the rock is fairly ‘normal’, fuck,who knows what normal is anymore. We do however have NO tourists which means the economy is suffering big time and our borders have been closed for nearly the whole last 12 months.

Don’t get me wrong, I have 2 amazing kids but I was ready to send them on their way to find their wings and hopefully soar. Now I have 2 young adults who unfortunately for them have so much of their dad and myself in their dad they find it offensive as youngsters do so their solution is to have opinions so far removed from ours and their upbringing it is often equally hurtful to experience. I am no feminist and yes….I would have loved a career and a well paying job but I don’t care to compete with men as I think men has been broken down so much by females wanting to prove they are stronger and worthy of equality that the men in our society are struggling to be men. Feminists out there, shoot me. I was happy to be in a position to be home and able to raise my children. Now 20 years on I am keen to do something for myself and here I feel sorry for the youngsters…..truth is that at almost 45 years of age I have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life, how the fuck can an 18 year old or 21 year old know? They are pushed to choose something and stick with it.

I’ve always had the expectations that my kids will travel and get a degree. One is one year in with her degree, second year kicking off soon. The other one has no cooking clue what he wants from life. Travel is a non-starter with closed borders so we won’t go there. Another expectation I has always been that there will be grandchildren at some point in the far off future but my daughter is convinced that she will never have children because she doesn’t like them. Do I believe it when she says that? I do and I don’t because I know that often when you meet the right guy and your biological clock starts ticking those thoughts have a way of flying out the window. If it does happen that she truly won’t have kids it will break my heart but I have to respect her decisions in this regard in the moment in time but nothing stops me from praying for a change of heart. I do believe that a part of being a woman is to have children. That is after all what sets us apart from men.

Respect to those women choosing not to. Hats of to the true feminists who made it to the top. I salute you. Heartfelt condolences to those women whom wanted babies but never could. My heart goes out to you. I would not have been able to envision a life without children and I am grateful for the two I got entrusted with. They are after all only on lone to me.

To all extents and purposes I have model children. They do chores, they can work hard, they are kind and courteous, they have strong morals and even stronger opinions, they are empathetic, sympathetic and so much more. I probably shouldn’t be complaining but I sort of lost my shit when my 18 year old said it’s very1980’s to say women should be raising their kids, and by that I am NOT letting men off the hook but life have us all at the balls currently which means either one parent is working away or both parents are working longer and longer hours to make ends meet. I couldn’t as a trailing spouse see my way open to follow a career with my husband being away for months at a time so I wonder. If I didn’t make this decision who my boy thought would have raised him and his sister who would have been there for them daily to care for and cater for their needs. Even though I was eventually blessed with a half-day teaching position I only took it because I knew it would give me the time with them. Do I regret it? Absolutely not.

The only regret I have is not furthering my education when I had the time and means to do so but as 40+ is suppose to be when you take your next breath and start a ‘new’ life I am quite happy that I now have the time to pursue my interests albeit with a still full nest at that. That is something that I will never blame them for as without them my life would have been empty.

I'm not sure that there is a right or wrong side but what i do know is that I am happy my kids are their own special people with a little bit of me and their dad, the little bit that will come out of their mouths when they hit 40 and their first thought will be: fuck..that was something my parents used to say. I know...because I'm there every time I open my mouth.

www.karolien-thereslifeafterkids.com

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