Hello there,
and thanks for taking the time,
to have a look at my new photo series:
Mountains I Shot Through My Dirty & Dead-Bug-Bespeckled Windshield
Okay so let's go ahead and kick things off with this beautiful shot of Colorado's two highest peaks, Mt. Elbert (14,440') and Mt. Massive (14,428'). Definitely a professional-quality shot if I ever saw one, if I do humbly say so myself:
"Silently Pontificating On The Splendiferous State Of Being Located At The Top Of The State: A Majestically Mountainous Morning Meditation"
Look at that one! Wow! Just looking at that beautiful professional-quality shot that I shot gives me chills. For that shot to happen I had to wake up crazy early—so early, in fact, that the sun had only been up for a couple minutes or so. I was very groggy because I hadn't had a single one of the fourteen cups of coffee I normally would've needed to have had by then in order to function at such an ungodly hour, but I soldiered on like the champion photographer that I am and I tackled the perilous three-ish-minute trek from my tent down a rugged unpaved Forest Service road just in time to catch the sun as it peeked up from behind Massive in the west there. Massive is obviously the one on the right, hard to miss those three distinct summit humps. And Elbert is clearly recognizable to the left with its trademark glacier-scraped cirque. If any of the shots in this series is going to win an award, which I think I can safely say is highly likely without coming across as too much of an arrogant prick, I bet it will be this one.
Okay, on to the next one. Check out this totally epic shot I was lucky enough—nay, plucky enough!—to capture of Mt. Ouray (13,961') one thunderstormy afternoon:
"The Mountains Are Calling And I Must Ignore Them, Said No One, Ever: Improving On A John Muir Quote That Got Way Too Famous For Its Own Good"
Did you look at that one too? Isn't it epic? It is so epic! For that shot to happen I had to drive all the way from Sargents up to Marshall Pass which is a very long and tedious drive, in a horrible storm that threatened not just rain but also hail and lightning. Also it was very cold that day and if my car's heater hadn't been working I might have gotten hypothermia and died out there. Not to mention the mud! That road was unpaved, too, and so the storm made it all muddy and if my car's all-wheel drive hadn't been working, I totally would have gotten stuck and died out there. Mt. Ouray is named after Chief Ouray, who was a total badass although I doubt he would have been as good of a photographer as me.
Alright, once you're done admiring that one, we can move on to an insanely great shot I got of Mt. Antora (13,269'). Take your time, no rush. I get that it takes a while to really take it all in.
"Screaming At Mountain Goats: Probably A Better Option Than Just Letting Them Head-Butt You Off A Cliff (Pinky The Ice Axe & The Unheavenly Kevins Remix)"
Would you look at that! Can you believe how insanely great that is? I can barely believe it myself, and I'm the guy who shot that shot. It is so insanely great that it brings not a single tear but rather multiple tears to my eyes. You looked at it, right? Antora has absolutely zero distinguishing features so most photographers are unable to pick it out and really get a good shot like the one that I got. For that shot to happen I had to sell several young children I found discarded by the local dumpster just so I could afford to buy all the hiking gear and food and water I needed to be able to hike all that way up there without dying. That's how dedicated of a photographer I am. There isn't any road that goes up there, otherwise I would have totally driven up there.
Next, I present you with this world-class shot of Mt. Shavano (14,231'):
"She'll Be Comin' Around The Mountain When She Comes: How To Write An Orgasm Joke The Kids Won't Get But The Grownups Will"
Damn! Now that's what a world-class photograph looks like. Just look at that, and tell me it isn't world-class! I know world-class when I see world-class, which is why as soon as I set eyes on that incredible vista, I knew I had no choice but to shoot it. You can easily tell it's Shavano because it's the only tall pointy thing over there in that direction that's exactly 14,231 feet tall. For that shot to happen I had to jerk off a pack mule twice before it finally agreed to let me ride it that high up into the high country with all of my hiking and camping and photographing gear. Most photographers wouldn't be willing to endure that extreme level of hardship for the sake of their craft, but I'm not like most photographers, if I do humbly say so myself. I would happily jerk off any number of pack mules as many times as required, if that's what was necessary for me to get whatever particular mountain shot I happened to be after.
Moving right along to an undeniably nonpareil shot of Mt. Antero (14,276'). I doubt you'd be able to tell if I didn't just tell you, so just between you and me, I was pretty much trashed out of my mind when I shot this shot. LOL, the things we undeniably nonpareil photographers do, to get ourselves in the right mindset for photographing:
"Insects On The Skin Of Giants: The Mountains Are Not Your Friends"
You're looking at that, right? You can see how undeniably nonpareil it is? I can scarcely describe the intensity of the various emotions and intoxicants that were coursing through me as I lined up that shot. For that shot to happen I had to throw back no fewer than five pints of Fireball just to put myself in the proper state of mind that I needed to be in, in order to work up the courage to get that close to a mountain that is renowned for wanting nothing more than to reach out and strike photographers like me down with the likes of lightning, hypothermia, and rockfall. I got myself right up close, just outside of its striking range, and then I got that shot and I got myself out of there, and then I went way out into the woods and I blacked out. Or at least I think that's what happened.
I don't remember what this next mountain is called, but I do recall it being located in the vicinity of Salida. Who cares what it's called or where it is. Just look at this outstanding shot:
"Rocky Mountain High: Rhymes With We're All Gonna Die"
How about that for an outstanding shot! Definitely a close second as far as winning an award goes, if I do humbly say so myself! Did you look at it already and see how outstanding it is? For that beautiful, professional-quality shot to happen I had to wake up confused and disoriented and epically alone, uncertain of where or who I was, or what day or time it even was, insanely greatly hungover and wondering why my neck hurt on such a world-class level, and then I had to untangle myself from my sleeping bag and reach all the way down with my left hand and pull that little lever that makes the driver seat go back to its upright position, and then I had to search my car high middle and low everywhere within arm's reach looking for my iPhone till finally, like the undeniably nonpareil champion of finding my own iPhone that I am, I found it hiding among the beer cans on the floormat beneath my feet where I'd left them empty and crushed the night before, and then I had to pick it up, and aim it at that mountain, and press the little button on the display that makes outstanding photos happen.
Now please, look at Mt. Princeton (14,197') exactly as I shot him, with all those clouds and rain and whatnot in the way:
