It is smiling at oneself.
It is being supportive, kind, and caring, honoring and respecting my needs, and holding myself in a safe and loving space. It creates ease in living.
And at the age of 30 years, I am just now acknowledging the existence of this concept in my reality. Having compassion for myself was never at the forefront of how I did things.
In fact, it was quite the opposite. My inner critic dominated situations where I needed compassion the most so instead, I got put-downs, insults, obsessive replays, and negative mental loops and these kept me imprisoned as a self-proclaimed Fuck Up.
“How could you?”, “What’s wrong with you?”, and all the “Should’s” came out to play.
Because of my past where I experienced much physical and emotional pain, I saw myself as someone who didn’t need tenderness or compassion, or deserved it, and used to wear this toughness as a badge of honor. The voice in my head said, “I can tolerate more pain than the average person.”
In fact, I equated pain with growth and put myself through the wringer because I didn’t know any other way.
In my personal development, I pushed myself beyond my comfort zone without ease and care. Shoving myself to the edge of my fears, commanding myself to “Jump, goddamnit!” And, I jumped. Sometimes, I landed triumphantly and other times, I fell flat on my face.
The work got done, but at what cost?
It’s not what we do, it’s how we do it.
Healthy actions take on a different attitude in this light. I become super neurotic about my diet and nutrition and my yoga and meditation practices are not enjoyable and I avoid them. I am like a parent who will never be pleased.
Even though I’m walking on this path, the depth of the work can’t reach my heart without grace and tenderness.
Recognizing this learning, I signed up for the Mindful Self Compassion course at Cambridge Health Alliance Center for Mindfulness and Compassion. It is an 8-week program designed to teach the average lay-person how to have and show compassion for themselves through mindful practices.
Key Takeaways:
The Mindful Self-Compassion Workbook states that signs of "opening" are laughter, tears, or more vivid thoughts and sensations, and signs of "closing" are distraction, sleepiness, annoyance, numbness, or self-criticism. Pay attention for intuitive teaching and learning opportunities.
With the cradle of self-compassion, I can pull myself out my created depths.
With self-compassion, there is emotional resilience and tools to cope when life feels hard. I speak to myself in ways that are encouraging and generous, like a supportive coach or trusted friend. I feel safe and protected while remaining free and trusting.
I offer myself unconditional acceptance and I can feel however I feel without judgement. I soothe and comfort myself when life gets hard. Be mindful of what's happening and allow it all.
The Inner Critic has become the Inner Ally.
Read my other stories about the 8-Week Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction Program also taken at the Cambridge Health Alliance Center for Mindfulness and Compassion from January 29 to March 25, 2020.
