I'm Homeless

Monday: Aug. 18th, 2008

I Am Homeless
There Is Twist To My Current Story

There is more to my story. I need to tell you about this. I am not sure if I can tell you everything. I am still trying to figure this all out. I am not even exactly sure what is going on. You already know that I blew it. My friend gave me the opportunity to do ministry in California. I burnt down that bridge, that door, that chance. I made a bunch of mistakes. My bad. I understand that all this is my fault and all. Don't get me wrong, I do understand that I have been being a fool. Correct my bad grammar. I understand. I should of known better. But there is a twist to the story. And that is, I was innocent.

I am innocent.

My friend made the offer about seven months ago, in February. 'If you continue messing up then you will not get to go to California.' I should of known better. I was too innocent. I stopped listening. No way. I always listen. I try to listen, honest to my God. I mean, I do. I do not know what happened. Several times, I was late to meetings. My bad. No excuse. And I do not even try to defend myself. I mean, the older I get, the less I defend myself. I would be late. But I am so innocent in doing so.

One Tuesday, I was making my way back home for Bible Study, in Hawaii. I was out there socializing with the youth and homeless. I quickly hopped on a bus. I was told that most of the buses, in Honolulu, would transfer to Ala Moana Transit Center. I got lost. I had to get on several buses. And I got lost several times while in Hawaii. I should have knew better. I should of asked for direction. But I thought knew where was going.

And there are also a lot of other problems, too. I am learning to become more dependable, honest, consistent, reliable, trustworthy, caring, and all, now, but it seems to be too late now. I find it hard to apologize to my friends. I get distracted. I try to do too many things. I love people and all. I want to make a difference. But I let too many things stop me from reaching out like my Uncle Jimmy Williams, who has passed away. I have officially reached rock bottom at this point in my life. If you are reading this then you must know that I am very heart broken right now. I even called a girl ugly. And I feel that I cannot forgive myself from it. Especially since I started liking her and everything. And I am just broken in so many ways. And I will admit this. I would rather not let people see my heart full of these wounds. But I am hurting. And I feel like an idiot. Just a dork with broken glasses. I have had broken glasses for the past fourteen months, about. People still giggle, 'You need new glasses.' No duh, but I am unable. I have more important things to worry about, like where am I going to rest my head. I feel hurt by what people say. And I started thinking about suicide. But my older sister has been talking to me this weekend. And God has been whispering to me. And there are a lot of other people too, that have been daring me to get past this hole. My Hawaiian friend has inspired me to be strong. And I seem to have this support from others. Still, I messed up. Yet, the twist, of this story, makes this story worth contemplating. That is what I tell you. If you do not think about the twist to this story: then the story will twist you to make an unworthy conclusion. You need to know that I feel betrayed.

I feel betrayed!

I cannot tell you that I was betrayed by my friend in California, or by anybody. I have decided that I do not believe that I was betrayed or tricked. My friends do care about me. And they have made decisions. I am not sure if they made the best decisions. But they made logical decisions. I understand. And I forgive them. And I find it easier to forgive them all than to forgive myself. Now, I am being told not to beat myself up. I am forgiving myself. I am healing and all. But still, I feel betrayed. I understand what happened. I understand how I blew it, now. But it is too late now. I did not know all this before. I was officially told last Wednesday, August 13, 2008, I think, the same day that my uncle died. I mean, I was at a Bible retreat, during the third to the last day, when they told me. It should not have been the end of the world. I should of had a backup plan!

Why did I did not have a backup plan?

Because I was told not to. You can tell me if you think I should of knew better. But you need to know this. I was told that I would go to California. Obviously, I should of known that I was disqualifying myself from it. But I did not think that I could disqualify myself from it. Every time I messed up, I prayed that I would not do it again, but it kept happening. Nobody can trust a maniac like me, you can think. I should of had a backup plan, a plan b, you know. But I was scared. I would call my friend, write to my friend, and all. I told him that I was not sure if I was suppose to take his offer and go to California. He would then wonder why I would say such things or something. I was not exactly sure but I was pondering backup plans. But somehow, I was definite that I would go to California. Therefore, I had no backup plan. I mean, I was going to get some backup plans, and I almost got some, but my friend seem to take that as my way of saying 'I'm not committed, I do not want to do ministry in Long Beach, California, I am not even sure if I am your friend, or I am not ready yet for all of this or whatever.' It would seem that I was saying that.

I called him, once, stating that I was going to mess up more, and my friend told me how that is normal. Somehow, I fell in a trance, almost. He has desired to be that friend to the end, a mentor, a guide, and all. And I started believing all that. I mean, he was serious. He was not lying. But it almost seem like that. It seem too good to be true. And yet, I ended up disqualifying myself, somehow. And I have good reasons or excuses to all of this, and I could tell you more. And I want to tell you more. And I am still trying to figure out all of this. And I am trying to learn from all this and get past all this. And I want to get better. And I am trying to get better. And I am praying about all that and all. And I am still not sure exactly how I ended up in this hole. How can I be in this hole? Why was I this vulnerable? Why was I too busy? Why did I even go to Revolution Hawaii? Oh wait, that is a bad question. I needed Revolution Hawaii. I am not being sarcastic, ok. But at the same time, I wish that all this was not so hard. I have cried more in this past year then in my whole life. I have cried more in the last seven days then I have cried in my whole entire life, I think. And I have been spiritually growing more, during the last year, than ever before. But I still wonder. And can I trust people, now? I mean, I can if I follow through with my part of the deal, I suppose. But still, I wonder why I was incapable of understanding what my part of the deal was. And why did I not have backup plans? But I actually wanted some backup plans. I mean, I should of just told him that. I could of fixed this mess, too. Beyond that, I would not need backup plans if I did not disqualify myself from the first plan. But I have made myself to be untrustworthy, undependable, unreliable, and all that kind of faulty attributes.

I have ruined my life!

This weekend, during this reunion (and my uncle's funeral), I have felt so much pain. I have been encouraged, too, by family. But it gets worse. My grandmother, Skip, started teasing me about all this. She would tell me, "Joey, what are you going to do." I would calmly and sadly tell her nothing. "You should of planned ahead." I know that, I affirmed. "I do not understand you," she sighed and lightly laughed. My grandfather, age 81, seem unaware of my distress and hugged me goodbye, stating that "It is hard to keep track of you" because you never know what state I will be in next (the state of homelessness? Maybe). My grandmother just walked off without hugging me. I got really mad. She did wave goodbye. But these grandparents have never really seen us, hate my mom, and so much more. Yikes. maybe you don't understand. But at the same time, I did not want to be at the reunion. I felt like a fool at the reunion. I felt like I was so foolish for not having a plan. In other words, I planned to failed.

Get past those plans of failures!

My sister, Katie, told me to have perspective, to realize that there is a plan, there is a hope, and all. I know, I think. But at the same time, I am not sure if this was destiny. I guess I was suppose to be here, completely empty, like never before. But at the same time, I cannot even imagine what I have missed out on. I was dreaming of California. I mean, I wanted to go really badly. But I burnt those bridges. And worse off then that, I am telling the whole world about this. I feel like I am blackmailing myself right now. I cannot believe that I would let anybody know about all this. I would rather let you know that I am perfect or close to it. I mean, I do not want to deceive you or anything. But I want you to trust me and use me. And I was praying and crying during the last twelve days or so. I have been praying and tearing out prayers of urgency. I was praying, "God, make me depend on you more, empty me, give me a fire for you like nothing else, I want to live for you, and nobody else, I want to all this to count, I do not want to mess up any more, I do not want to hurt people any more!"

That was on my mind on Wednesday, August 13, 2008!

I was crying, that Wednesday, for my uncle, for disqualifying myself from doing ministry in California, but I was also crying for dependency. I am wanting doors to open like never before. And I am sick and tired of mediocrity. I am not going to be homeless. I am not going to let my life be ruined because of poor choices. I mean, it seems like I ruined my life. I often feel that way. I feel like people cannot take me serious or whatever. I feel like I have done much evil (even through, I am innocent). But I will fight, I will go and seek to be a hero to others!

Keep fighting with the fire of Jesus!
Reach out to others with the spirit of heroes!

Joseph Scott Arnold
503-367-4695
http://l4r.blogspot.com

Archive My Photos

Baseball | Camping | Christmas 1991 | Crystal's 1st BF | Drums 1988 | Halloween 1993 | Katie | Siblings 1991 | Stuffed Animals 1985, 1991, 1993 | Super Kids

Jul. 29th, 2007

Wilderness: Third Camp Week
Wilderness Camp is an effective Salvation Army's Camp Kuratli extension [so that campers between ages twelve and sixteen can attend camp that is separate from the younger aged campers] because it dares them to look at life through different eyes, to love through action, to trust in the hope over dope, to have joy over toil, to smile over mile. This third camp was my favorite, so far. It seems like its working.

Every week is challenging, fun, and ever worth it but last week had amazing campers who have much potential. My favorite was Shelby, then Grace, then the taller Brandon Smith because they taught me about how to express joy and life in a very practical way. Thank you, my best friends. Shelby would always say, "best friend" and I learn so much from her words and life. The first week of camp had many fun characters, the second week had many real rough draft people, but the third week was worth it. I love life more now. I love the things I learn. I have been struggling with how I look at life but I am learning that I need to express more life. I have also learned that the camp really does make a difference because I often doubt that. I often wonder if camp does anything to the campers. I sit and cry. I think. I wonder. But I am happy to hear that camp helped them.

I do not know what country I will be in next year but I sure wish to be back here, if I can. Thanks to campers and staff alike. I am learning and I am seeking to get better at counseling, at living, at loving, at growing, and at smiling.

Posted at Jul. 29th, 2007: 02:58 am

Jul. 27th, 2007

Eh. I do not like anybody, realy (really). That is what I tell myself. this is my love journal. I am suppose to write about my life and about how I feel. I feel like I am one of a kind and that there are not a lot of people like me. I dare myself to write a attributes journal of the qualities of what makes a godly woman and keep my eyes open but I do not want to even think that I have ever seen my wife. I just may never get married even through I am dying to get married.

Posted at 04:18 pm

2008-08

By Oatmeal Joey Arnold

Published in September of 2018 by @JoeyArnoldVN

Timeline | 2008-08

2008-08-13: August Thirteen: Wednesday: was told that Jim died while I was at Camp Arnold: 33712 Webster Rd E, Eatonville, WA 98328
2008-08-10-16: Sunday to Saturday apx: Western Youth Institute (WYI): Camp Arnold
2008-08-14-18: Thursday to Monday | Jim Jimmy "Woof" William's Funeral & Family Reunion | Warrenton, Oregon (OR), USA: photos from that weekend at the coast, around Seaside, Astoria: Karen, Alan, Nathan, Arnold Family Island, Bill Cunningham, Skip, Dick, Brian Morehead
2018-09-09 Sunday 02:38 PM LMS | 2008-08
Published at 05:24 PM Sunday, September 9th, 2018

Jul. 23rd, 2007

I like a new girl. Eh. Woa. This is not suppose to happen. Sad. Good. Bad. Does anybody ever read this? A while back I met Melody Millermon. Then I met Amanda Krubensacker. Later, met Jen Moore. The Doctor made people to be liked by other people. It is good to like people but it is not good to fantasize and worship them. So, what am I trying to say? I am trying to say that I have seen many people, have met less, and have liked fewer. Somehow, I am thinking of three different people right now but I will not mention their names, yet. It is just so weird and it makes me sick. I like this one girl but I feel like love has never worked out for me. I just feel heart broken. I do not want to wait for the right time. I want to be in a relationship and I have desire to just tell a girl that I want to start something. I have never decided to actually start a relationship with a girl before. I actually told the last girl that I liked that I liked her but that I was not sure. Why did I do that? Just in case. But I did not tell that last girl that with the desire of convincing her to like me back or anything like that. A part of me wanted that last girl to like me but I knew that I had to simple tell her what happen.

I like a girl. This time, she is a girl that I can talk to more, one with a more fun-loving personaliy. This new girl is not a model but she is attractive: physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and whatever else that there is left besides those four. But she is a couple years younger. She is amazing. I love being around her. I hurt a little. Does love hurt. She likes singing. She is passionate. Eh. She is wonderful. I want to cry. Why does love hurt? Why am I a baby? This is all so weird. I really do not want to think about this. I do not know what will happen. I need to work on myself. Eh. Love is good. God made it. I got work to do, what about you?

Posted at 01:15 am

Archive My Introduction

Art | Articles | Biography | Family | Videos | Websites | Work

May. 9th, 2007

Summer 2007

05/09/07 w 09am est. I have challenged myself to not only share my feelings towards who I may like or whatever ('love') but I should also share my feelings and thoughts towards upcoming events. MY SUMMER OF 2007 LOOKS SCARY: I am not looking forwards to my summer but I know that my Creator has my back, yo. I am coming home to a trailer. I have no official room or room for anything. I do not have a job yet. My abusive unsaved alcoholic dad will be near by, I am coming home to help out my mom. I do not know how long that will last. I do not know what tommorrow will bring but I know that I cannot do anything by myself. I know that I cannot rely on my feelings. I know that I need to stay more loyal to whatever that I need to be doing.

Posted at 09:26 am

Archive My Social Networks

Facebook | Gab | Minds | Twitter | YouTube | etc.
Support Me | Go Fund Me

Apr. 29th, 2007

Forget And Forge.
location: Library, ABC.
mood: rejected rejected

04/29/07 s 03pm est. Forge And Forget. Location: library, ABC. Read the follow before reading anything else: this love journal is suppose to record the feelings and events that marked my life; however, I have spent most of my time only writing about my most recent thoughts and feelings concerning a girl (which is not too unique to the rest of my life besides that it seems more real and bigger) that I have only known for one year. It is good to like people but it is not good to be obsessed over them. I am daring myself not to run off feelings. I may feel like doing one thing may be the right thing to do. That feeling may seem right but I may not be right. I have a lot of things I need to be doing the next couple of years; therefore, I cannot be trying to do too many things at the same time and I must wait for things to come together. I do not know what will happen in the future but I do know that I have a day job, so to speak, and I must stop day dreaming or planning to do something that was never meant to be, maybe. If you are praying for me then thanks because it is working.
Tags: forget and forge.

Posted at 03:18 pm

Archive My Articles

Art | Education | Entertainment | Feed | Freedom | Health | How-To | Law | Music | Networks | News | Random | Religion | Science | Technology | Travel

Apr. 28th, 2007

Confused.
location: ABC
mood: restless restless
music: Cry me a river.
04/28/07 z 02pm est. Confused. I need to learn how to be a genuine friend even if I feel sad and lonely. Please note that this journal probably only makes sense to me, the writer, but what would you expect. Never mind that. With that said, let me just spill out my guts. Through, I need to make a more secret journal because I will not say everything here. This school year has been the toughest yet best that i have ever have. I may have liked one girl or the next during the course of my life but I think that I foremost desire not love immediately but instead friendship. I may be a good friend but I want to learn how to do so better. I feel too weird. I do not want to go back to my home in Oregon. I do not want to leave the friendships I have with so many people. It is so sad. I have never liked saying bye. Do you like saying bye? Thought not. Who does. I feel weird. I eat junk food sometimes. I avoided wheat for several months but started eating some recently. I dare myself to stop. I feel weird. I have felt too many things recently. I do not know what I feel, want, need, or anything so much. I need karaoke. I need to learn history. How do you walk away from friendships. I do not want to. Everything is hard. They should not be. Wait, they do. I am being burnt like precious silver and gold: or at least that is what my friend Jennifer Moore once told me. Things are weird. WOLBI: At my last school, I liked some girls from time to time but the feelings never last. They kind of come back but who knows. Who cares? What to do. I like this and that but do I need it? This is weird. I do not know what to say. I do not know how to carry much small talk with people. People laugh over crazy things. Oh wait, I was talking about my love life. I am being distracted. I do not have a love life and I may never ever get a love life. God will do as He wishes, through. Life is weird and I feel weird. I need to sleep more. I need to learn to biblically love everybody. It is tough. People often do not take me serious. Things are weird. I get mad but then I get relaxed. I want one thing but then want another thing. WORD OF LIFE BIBLE INSTITUTE IN NEW YORK: So, with the girls in New York, I did not like the certain girls for good enough reasons. The older I get the more I will like a particular girl. The older I get the better or more biblically sound my liking for a girl becomes. Cry me a river. Am I heart broken? Do I fight my feelings? Do I run away from my feelings. I do not know what I feel. Why do I avoid things. Why do I ignore things. Why do I not love people like I should. Why do I fret or hide from really preparing myself. Why am I a slob? Why do I fall for a girl or something? Why do I feel like I will never fall in love with a girl ever again. I was not suppose to. I wanted to but told myself not to. Did I ever fall in love with a girl? Did it actually happen? I do not know. I hate love sometimes. I want to just leave this place sometimes. I know I can be friends with girls but I cannot look at them with a desire anymore. I cannot be thinking about whether one girl or the other could be the one. I would like to keep my eyes open for a future wife but it is too painful to really consider one girl or the next because it seems like I cannot have what I want. CANNOT HAVE WHAT I WANT, IT SEEMS: "Do you, Joey Arnold, have a girl friend?" No. Something always seem to happen. They always become like unavailable. They either die, get taken by another man, will get taken by another man, do not like you, you do not like them, or somehow we become separated from each other or something. I have seen many kinds of girls and I think that I have seen them all but I have a hard time understanding how I will run into the right girl at the right time. I do not want to go after a girl who is a couple years younger than me. I do not know. I need to ask for help by my first Love and by others around me who love my first Love. I feel like a mess but it could be worse. I am giving up on love. God will have to throw me ina whale to change me now, if need be. I would joke with the guys around me, at the different school that I have attended in my life, that I was looking for my wife at that particular school. I do not want to joke around about finding a wife any more because it hurts too much for that. I have, however, said that God would have to throw the girl right in front of my feet in order for me to see her and not ignore her. I do know that is something that I might still tell others but why should I do that? I need to be focus on becoming whatever that God wants me to be. I do not want to look at a girl with the idea that I would want to marry the girl. I do not want to like a girl too much. If I start liking a girl too much then I will only cry. I will only cry. I will need to pray and get counsel, accountability, and discipleship from others so that my emotions and feelings do not take over me like they did this year. The emotions and feelings are still around me and in me and trying to control me but I must develop a plan instead of yielding to whatever comes my way. A quiz result once said that I a very social person but I will often fly by a potential partner. That is true. I do not want to be desperate, through. I hate love sometimes because I see anybody and everybody getting together. Fat people with fat people or fat people with skinny people. The dumb with the smart. And you could almost say the dead with the alive. Life is weird. Having a special someone does not mean anything anymore I think because everyone is doing it but without consideration to how important it is. It makes me sick. Sick. Sick. Did I say sick? Love makes me sick. I not want any girl to think that I like them anymore than a friend or anything. I do want x to think that I am trying to hook her to me. I do not want me to think about getting her. I do not want to go after such a thing at this moment in time. I do not want to fall in love right now. I must not look at a girl with lust. I never looked at x with lust because it was deeper than that but it could have been and how would anybody else know any better. I am pathetic but should this journal be public. This journal gives me accountability in a way. When I look and talk to any girl I have been but still need to always be genuine when talking or thinking about them at any second or moment or anything.
Tags: confused.

Posted at Apr. 28th, 2007: 02:33 pm

JERK

There are more posts from my Live Journal. My Jerk blog entry was post, published, at Apr. 23rd, 2007. I have more entries from before that date as well. I am trying to republish my blogs here and in other places in order to archive what I have written. I'm going to stop here for now. I want to make sure I have master copies to photos, posts, videos, GIFs, files, memes, articles, comments, links, and everything. I also want to try to write some explanations to things concerning my life for the record. I am trying to clear the air concerning the details of my life. I'm also studying my life for the sake of understanding psychology, anthropology, sociology, world history, and everything. I'm Oatmeal, thanks for coming over. I'm watching Lionel Nation interview Roseanne Barr right now on YouTube. Click here to watch that interview on YouTube.

Stay tuned for more from my Live Journal.