My name is Craig and I'm never going to be a father. There, I've said it. I've laid my cards on the table and now I've got nothing to hide from you. I can talk about it now but for a long time it hurt like hell. I didn't really want to discuss it with anyone and, to be honest, those closest to me didn’t want to chat about it either.
Fertility is one of those deeply emotive issues that people rarely find the courage to talk about. For over five years my wife and I lived in a very private imprisonment that is infertility. We only wanted to do the most natural thing in the world, that was to start a family and just be like everyone else. Six years later and that still hasn’t happened.
We couldn’t do it on our own so we sought the help of others. Something that can be so simple became completely entangled with modern medicine as my wife’s body was turned over to the care of professionals. They were very caring and I know they only wanted to help us achieve our dream but in the process my role was reduced and I became another guy who sat quietly beside the bed, holding the hand of my most cherished as she was examined, poked and probed by a string of consultants and nurses.
I can only give you my point of view and I have to admit I got off lightly. I became little more than a source of sperm while my wife was never allowed the luxury of keeping anything private. I had to cope with indignity and pain but my wife had to endure so much more.
It was her ovaries that were the problem, or rather it was a condition called endometriosis, (pronounced en- doh – mee – tree – oh – sis) it’s condition where cells like the ones in the lining of the womb are found elsewhere in the body. Each month these cells build up, then break down but unlike the cells in the womb that leave the body as a period, this blood has no way to escape and the associated problems and symptoms vary with each woman. In the instance of my wife the blood formed in cysts attached to her ovaries, squashing, squeezing and stretching those most precious and delicate organs. Without medical intervention she could never produce eggs and without the eggs we could never have a baby.
Science tried and we came oh so close to realising the dream but ultimately our battle led only to heartbreak.
The idea behind my blog is not really to give you a log or a detailed account of our struggles, they’re over now and you know how it finishes but I don’t want to keep it warm and fuzzy like what happens in many of the mainstream fertility forums. People on those sights are scared, and they’re worried. They like to keep things light and I understand why they want to. All their dreams are wrapped around a fragile hope, burst that and you let all sorts of nasty shit in.
But infertility is a brutal ordeal and the best way to convey it to those who’ve had kids easily and without a second thought is for me to try and tell it like it was. People closest to us never knew had bad things were, they’ll never ask and I don’t really feel like bringing it up with them now but I’ve got a laptop and I can write whatever I want.
What I hope is you’ll read this, maybe you know someone who’s struggling to conceive and while our story is unique and our problems won’t apply to most others I want you to be aware that the pain is universal. I want to make people realise how tough it is when friends and family have kids and you feel like you’re getting left behind. I hope this will help you be there for them.
Mostly though I want to be here for others who are going through this shit right now. If you’re a man I know you’re not so great about talking about all of this. That’s okay, you can comment if you like but if you don’t want to share anything then that’s fine too. However I can assure you that knowing others have gone through it and your own emotions have been felt by others is very comforting.
Perhaps you're a woman going through fertility treatment right now? I just want to give you a massive pat on the back because I know you gals don't find it pleasant as you lie on your backs in those consulting rooms with your legs held in the air while complete strangers stick very cold objects into your vagina. I just want to let you know I have a huge amount of respect for you. Keep you chin up, just endure it and I really do wish you all the luck in the world. Maybe your wondering what's going on in that mysterious void that is your fellas mind? I hope this helps.
It’s not all doom and gloom, our struggles began in Northern England and egg donation took us to Southern Spain. If I thought things were awkward already they got a whole lot worse once you threw in a language barrier and a tiny cultural divide.
It was a sad time, I can’t lie about that but it’s important to remember joy can come from the most unexpected places.
