First it's important to mention that I'm always that happy, positive person in my friend group. Even on my bad days, any inner turmoil stays reeled in and never lashes out onto others. In fact since my early twenties I've successfully followed (at least in my eyes) a personal philosophy I chose to embrace which included things like never performing any action with malice in mind (even though the drive still pops up at times) and to embrace the positive while reflecting, and ideally, making use of negative states/feelings.
During this ten year stretch, I was in ZERO dating relationships. This was during the time that I was still figuring out what to do about feeling transgender and I didn't share that with anybody. So my platonic friendships are what filled that social need for me, being able to have that more intimate connection with people even while not in an intimate relationship.
So after about 10 years of staying on course, I was laid off from what was near a dream job, I was no longer in school and the bulk of my socializing for some years had been a few work related people and online with people while 'Cracking out on World of Warcraft.' After a couple of months on unemployment, with way too much time on my hands, I felt an inner drive to get away from the computer and spend time with real life friends. I can't completely lay out where the feeling came from (even though I assume everyone requires this at some point.) nor why they popped up right at that moment (yet I'll admit the long, building up events that eventually crescendoed into my triggered need for direct human connection.)
All I knew was that my temporary social escape through the ether of the internet was no longer sufficient...I needed a permanent one now. That inner feeling of angst and anxiety saw to that, there was no way my mind could sit still.
Looking back, I see the vicious downward spiral that I was getting trapped in. The script went like this:
Man, do I wish I had someone to hang out/connect with! (Being the type to bonds with others one on one or in small groups, I wasn't looking for a big or public bar function.)
When the couple of friends, who I obviously thought put more stock in our friendship than they did, I had reached out to didn't even take time or effort to want to hang out, I was pretty crushed. (Bear in mind I'm the type to RARELY ask for anything. So in my mind when I actually do, it should mean something.)
So how did I meet people before? Oh yea, through school and work...both of which were no longer there for me. How else can I find people to hang out and connect with? This is where I felt rather powerless! I needed people, but felt I didn't have a route to find and create the connections I sought.
This mad me a little angry, very frustrated, and that ball of anxiety wound a little tighter. Making me not want to be around people...yet I needed to be around people!
So the spiral went: need people --> don't have/can't find people --> angry I don't have/can't find people --> don't want to be around people while angry --> needing people even more. The loop went around dozens of times, positive feedback making it more intense with each full turn. I was trapped in a catch-22 between my (perceived) fix of being around and connecting with people, and my current negative state making me not want to be around others (both cause I didn't like to spread negativity AND a sense of embarrassment because I was the 'cool, calm, collected one.')
I slept a ton, wasted the days on the couch watching tv, even went and played some video games...all to fill the dreaded plethora of hours with anything to take my mind off things, even if temporary. After a while, these activities weren't enough to keep the downward thoughts and feeling of anger and isolation at bay any longer.
I had to find out WHY I felt this lack of connection and I HAD to step out of my comfort zone to meet new people. There was no way around it, I HAD to accept that my old methods no longer worked!
It's never fun or easy to be self-reflective while in an negative emotional state for anybody! But this is what I had to do. The questions I had to tackle head on, over the next few days included:
Even though I had friends I could still reach out to, why was I so stuck on the two that had rejected me? Why didn't I reach out for others that I still thought of as friends?
Could I depend on the connections via platonic friendships to be enough? Did I need to have that intimate relationship, not for anything sexual, but for longer term security? I logically knew friends moved, had kids, etc. where they weren't as accessible anymore, and that didn't bother me. But it didn't lessen my needs.
I knew that the inability/unwillingness to discuss anything about feeling transgender (or any topic that might lead into overlapping questions) was an issue for me to be able to date anyone. I had no doubt people could feel 'uncomfortable' in conversation when there was a whole slew of topics I'd never talk about and when I was asked would usually just laugh it off or change the subject.
I basically had started a battle between emotional and logical arguments. It didn't take long to see some of the irrational emotional logic going on...I had some other friends I could text to see if they wanted company. At the time, all I wanted was some real life socializing to take my mind out of the vicious spiral for a while, I just needed to feel 'normal' again, even if just for a shorter period. I still didn't want to talk about the issues themselves with others, just hang out. I overcame that little inner temper tantrum of 'I wanted to hang with one of the two that aren't an option" and sure enough I shortly got the 'come on over' response from a different buddy.
Guess what! He had friends over, that I got meet! Crazy I know, friends with friends over..who'd of thunk it! After my first baby step of contacting this third buddy, receiving a little win once I was over there and having some good human interaction, I could still feel myself periodically being drawn down that mental whirlpool of depression, but I at least felt a little more empowered.
One of the people I met had recently gotten off of some hard drugs and was in the process of getting her life and family back together. I could only respect that and the amount of willpower it had to take. While I don't doubt my intentions to honestly be helpful to her during this time, I also kind of wanted somebody that I could focus on outside myself, and feel good about.
Over the next month or so, I went over to that friends place periodically, spent a lot of time with the girl I was trying to help and support, and I began to realize that there wasn't a simple switch that would turn off my depression. Instead my goal was to spend less time trapped in the downward spirals when they started trying to grab me, now that I was mindful of where my thoughts were going. I could use hanging out and/or helping others as a nice temporary fix (since video games and tv didn't work anymore) and then be calm and positive enough to spend time reflecting on myself, how I felt, what was working or not, and most importantly WHAT I COULD DO!
The biggest thing I noticed about depression was that the raw data going into my brain was exactly the same as before, but it was being analyzed in a different way. I was viewing things as if they were out of my control, I could still have met people..just required getting outside my comfort zone. For example, if friend one and two weren't options..what really stopped me from contacting friend three! Rather than looking at friend three and saying, "yea, why don't I text him," my mind went to, "NO, that's not what i WANT!" This seems subtle, but for me this was very important.
I Felt Better when I Was Proactive!
If I had anything in mind to try, I was better off trying it. The second that I ran out of 'tools in the toolbox' to help debug my situation, I'd instantly fall back into that vicious cycle. When I ran out of ideas, I felt powerless...that my 'fix' had to come from someone or something outside of myself. This feeling of powerlessness was one of my main things to be mindful of. Logically I couldn't expect something or someone outside of myself to fix me, hell, I wasn't even talking to people about it yet, rather just looking for social connections and to some degree an escape.
Anyway, while I've had similar feelings pop up from time to time since then, I'm yet to get unknowingly get pulled in the whirlpool that is depression. My biggest takeaways since then are:
Be mindful of my mood and mindset. Now that I know and see that downward spiral a little better, I can deal with it early before it gets out of control.
Always maintain personal power. (i.e. having something you can proactively try, even if it doesn't work) My biggest frustrations set in when I was waiting for someone or something else to 'fix me.' This meant I placed the power in someone or something else's hands, which has the caveat of saying "nothing I do matters."
Using temporary fixes while working on permanent ones. Climbing out of my depression didn't happen overnight, it took at least a month or more. This is the time that I truly embraced the benefit of taking baby steps and accruing little wins. I wanted the 'permanent prize' of not being depressed, but finding the joy of the hours spent with friends, the time focusing on others problems and helping where I could, or other little things that still felt good and gave me enough to keep going until the next little win.
Depression Sucks! If trapped, be Reflective, be Proactive and Embrace the little wins until the war is over.
