I want to be better than I am.
In my head, I am hearing self-defeating statements. I am full of pain. I feel heavy and sad. I'm tired of this ride and how I'm yanked around every turn when I never agreed to this.
I spend a lot of energy trying to help others heal, and now I feel as though someone is turning that energy back on me with the goal of ripping me up.
I'm tempted to lay myself out and shout, "Have at me!" I feel so broken by this.
My sadness is so big it's like I'm not real.
I guess maybe I shouldn't. I've dealt with trolls before and been fine. This is similar in that the negativity just keeps coming. But the truth is I do feel broken. This hurts worse than anything in memory, and I've got a lot of painful memories. I just keep sifting through, trying to keep sight of my bootstraps so I can lift myself up. Say to me, "Hey, dust your shoulders off. Chin up." Witness my own progress.
It's true, I am stronger and I've learned much from this loss of friendship. I am better aware of boundaries. I am better aware of the ways I stuff down my own needs to lift others up. I know better. I am better. I just don't feel better.
Trying to stay rooted, even in darkness.
I am going to celebrate something today: it is that I am still here, still fighting for myself despite how tempted I am to help shovel out my own grave and lie down in it. This sadness will end. I will survive. That's what matters.
