She told me to be honest with myself. Let's call her H. The advice came under cover of other words, but the takeaway was clear:
I chose safety, which is interesting because talking to H was a risk. She was an acquaintance, not a friend. I wasn't sure if she would run any information to a mutual party--the one stalking me. The one who, despite my extreme clarity on what type of contact is acceptable (none) continues to touch me with every keystroke possible.
I am saying talking to H felt very unsafe. There is always greatest potential for betrayal when the person you engage doesn't know you well. But I decided to trust because H had previously shared words in an arrangement that connected me to myself. A poem. About keeping your heart open.
What I've wanted is to close off from everyone to stay safe from just one. This is paranoia. I almost gave in. But then H shared her poem and I decided to tell her what it meant to me if not why. I asked her how she stays open when she knows someone is waiting with a dagger. She reminded me that closing off does its own damage.
I don't have to close myself off to not allow someone emotional or physical access to me. I can be open to the world without being open to them. I can even be open to them at the most basic level--recognition that they are also human--without allowing them access to me. And that is what I am doing.
I don't want to look back someday to see that I have turned into a villain. I need to be able to recognize myself. I am a woman with a gentle touch. I care, deeply, even about those who have done me harm.
I remembered that, despite being told this is a weakness I bear, it is a genuine strength. I value my compassion. It is important to me not to lose it. When fear touches everything, as it has done, it is easy to go from pliant to rigid. Maybe that is what happened to the person who hurt me. If so, I understand. It's sad. But it's not my job to keep their heart open. My concern is my own.
I'm glad I spoke to H. Perhaps she is a friend. Regardless, I appreciate her wisdom.
