Yesterday I shared my goal to break ties with someone who has been actively and passively hurting me for quite some time. I did what I said, communicated a strong no. I informed the other party there was an end and we had reached it.
I'll walk the rest of the path on my own.
First came the gaslighting with the intention of shaming. I was informed my experience wasn't that bad and that I was causing them pain and trauma by blaming them for their actions. They tore me down and attempted to cut me off. However, I took the upper ground by owning my own part in how things went badly and agreed not to contact them anymore. I would MUCH prefer zero contact.
Unfortunately that is impossible. The internet is a tangled ball of yarn.
So they responded with another classic technique, straight out of the playbook: manipulative kindness. Faking sincerity in order to cultivate trust that can later be exploited. To this, I did not respond. And I will not respond, no matter how many messages, pleas, judgments or attacks. I refuse to out of respect for myself and their request.
Not guilty. Not sad. Not ashamed. I know the shoes will keep dropping and am 1000% confident this is the right action for my personal safety. I am anxious and exhausted. It is hard to hold onto something you don't want. Today I see it can be even harder letting go. Why? Because in letting go I am also releasing my control.
Sometimes a release of control decreases vulnerability. I no longer feel like this is breaking me. I feel confident and capable and like I may feel safe again, possibly even soon! And I'm very happy to be able to process this with writing and feedback instead of in the vacuum abusers prefer.
This will not be me any longer.
Still, I am empty and tired. The truth is I would rather have had a friend and stayed in a trusting, loving relationship than end a relationship and lose a friend. But I was not the one who chose to do the hurting. While I still do not feel safe, what I do feel is proud of myself for creating and expressing a strong boundary.
