Hey, the little guy has a poo. I am going out to hang out the washing. Can you deal with it?
The Good Lady peered at me closely.
I looked like a burst testicle. I was hungover as a dog. More so than usual for a Sunday, it seemed. I vaguely remembered the beers last night. They had been very strong.
After a couple I had become a Beer Buccaneer. Marauding the Beer highway with abandon.
It had all been quite magic.
Till today.
I opened my mouth to answer the Good Lady.
Ooo.
I cooed softly at her.
Oh for fuck sake. You are a pure state. Change his bloody nappy. I will be back in ten minutes.
Oo... Ooo?
I called pitifully after her but it was no use, she had left the room. I looked over at the Little Boom. He was rampaging about the lounge with a toy car. He stank of shit.
It was particularly strong, more so than normal.
I didn't want to do it.
But I had to. It was the curse of parenting. The loss of all self-respect and covering yourself in another mortal's shit.
FML.
I reached out and grabbed the Little Boom.
Right little man. Time to clean you up.
In moments I had his nappy off.
Oh SWEET JEEBUS?!? WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
His poo was no mere poo. Nothing earthly could have created this clay-like muck that lined his lower torso. It was everywhere. It was fetid. It stank.
I could do nothing but stare at it whilst a vein in my temple pulsed hotly.
Suddenly, an angelic voice tinkled out like the calming babble of a cool and clear mountain stream.
Daddy, I will do it for you if you like?
It was the Little Lady. She was standing nearby, staring down at the brown mucky pool that the little boom was ensconced in.
The Little Lady was only 6 years-old. She was a bit young to be landed with changing her little brother's nappies. I mean that would be shit parenting right there.
I mean it would, wouldn't it?
No, I couldn't. No matter how hungover I was. That would be a dick move.
Really, little lass. You really want to?
Somehow, whilst mentally arguing over the rights and wrongs of letting the Little Lady help a brutha out my voice had just gone full-on rogue.
Yes, Daddy. I would love to!
She beamed, obviously loving this big sister gig that she had.
A few minutes later the Good Lady came in.
Daddy?!
I looked up from my phone. The Little Lady was halfway through a nappy changing and appeared to be a sterling job.
The Good Lady in a very wifely way did not look at all pleased. She glared at me and then the Little Lady.
Just this once ok. But no more. It's not your job to be doing such things.
She stomped out of the room.
The Little Lady looked up at me, her brothers nappy successfully changed.
I think Mummy was a bit annoyed. I guess I won't be changing any more nappies?
She said sadly.
I winked.
Never mind Mummy, lass, I will let you change as many nappies as you like.
Sorted.
