I don't know what to do steemit. Literally, I came here because this is my only platform where I get to freely write about things.
I'm so tired. It's like nothing I fucking do is good enough. I bend over backwards for people just for them to stomp on my stomach and knock be down. I'm expected to care for people who don;t give a fuck about me and i'm fucking tired of this shit.
I wanna just go away forever.
My childhood was snatched away from me at 12 when my mom decided to marry an abusive man. Not to mention my birth father was a crack-head alcoholic.
My mom only thinks about herself and her men, everything else comes second. Even her kids.
I got abused mentally, verbally, and physically. Not to mention I live in a black household so whatever happens in here. Stays in here. So I was never allowed to talk about my problems. Not to mention also I was homeschooled and was not allowed to leave the house.
There were times when I couldn't even walk outside for weeks at a time.
I'm expected to keep everything together. I had to listen to my mom get beat up everynight. Then when he tried to leave she'd beg him to stay. I had to sleep with a knife under my pillow.
What mother allows a man to strangle her child and her only response is "I'll send her away"
I'm soooo tired. I want justice. My mom divorced him when I was 17...only because he forced it to happen despite what she may say. I have built up so much anger and animosity I can't even think to hard on it. I have fits of rage so bad I unintentionally hurt myself. She always finds away to blame me for her unhappyness.
Tells me i'm the reason he left because I wasn't happy with him.
He was hurting me. He locked my little sister in her bed room for weeks at a time and we had to sneak and feed her. He drug me by my hair. He threatened our life.
And everytime he hit her, she came crying to me as if I was her saviour. So that roll sat in.
My name is on atleast 6 Police reports. Domestic violence. Each time he went in...she bailed him right back out.
She got with another man not to long after him leaving. He was the same way. Only difference is I am older.
We got into alot of fights and arguements. My mom says "your grown now, you don;t like it. leave." So I did. I went and lived with my father. BIG MISTAKE.I barely knew him but I took the chance.
I thought maybe I would find peace.
I hate him. The things he would say to me. I had problems with my depression and I know it. But he would threaten to turn his back on me and put me out. I kept telling him not to speak to me that way. But he didn;t quite understand. He never had to father me.
I ended up.....hurting myself. And he made it no better by telling me how sick and crazy I was.
He let his girlfriend treat me like shit.
Long story short....we ended up fighting each other at a gas station. Me and my father.
I moved back with mom.
I swear nothing I do is for my own good. It was hell all over again. I had to fight with her man....and like always she took his side.
Told me how I never want her happy.
This man did not work, I did, he used drugs, I didn't, He stole her money, I didn't and yet she still found a way to blame me for all her problems and love on him.
Because of her I lost my job but it's my fault why she is unhappy. This man talks down on her, uses her and everytime he hurts her she comes to me. Her saviour.
I heard them fighting before....so I intervened. Because I am her saviour.
I ended up getting arrested. And then blamed. I was bailed out by my mom and all she could say was You need help. You should have just minded your business.
But ma, you came to me crying...what the fuck was I supposed to do.
I came home and he was still there. Eating and saying baby I love you.
I went in my room and threw a fucking fit. I threw everything. She told me I have problems and I needed help. I told her how she makes me feel unappreciated and she told me.....She doesn't have to appreciate me because she's my mom.
I DIDN'T ASK TO FUCKING BE HERE!
3 weeks later she comes in my room all bloody because he bust her shit up. Begging me to call the police, I didn't do it. I made my sister do it. I'm to tired to entertain it.
I hadn't spoke to her about it at all. She swore to me she wasn't going to bring him back.......I'll be damned.
They are still together.
But she doesn't care at all. She doesn't care about my ass whoopings because its always about her.
What about her and her feelings. she doesn't care about what she puts me threw.
It's always about her. She tells me today again she doesn't have to appreciate me. She told me to just get out. But if I were a man she wouldn't say to me. She just doesn't give a fuck.
I tell my mom. "I need help. .I need to talk to someone about my deppression."
She says "stop being dramatic nothing is wrong with you."
I SWEAR I FUCKING HATE HER.
I am tired. I am tired. I am tired. I am tired. I am tired. I am tired. I am tired. I am tired. I am tired. I am tired. I am tired. I am tired. I am tired.
