In my "first coffee" writing this morning I realised that when I talk about things I want to do, there are actually two types and they're very different.
So, the first is the stuff that I actually want to do. The pieces that I would enjoy the process of writing, the songs I would like to arrange and play and record and perform, the bits of code that I would enjoy tussling with, the meals I'd like to cook, where I enjoy the preparation.
The other kind is the stuff that I don't really want to do, but which I would like to have done, to have completed. I'm attracted to being the person who wrote that article or who has completed an album or made that silly little film or cooked that dinner. It's not the process of doing these things that attract me, it's the done-ness of them, it's the having of the product or the nice feeling of being admired for that product.
This tension is interesting to me because I'm working primarily in the first type at the moment, playing around with stuff, enjoying the process much more than the product. But there are a couple of things that I want to have written that I've been struggling to get down to, because they're going to be tricky to actually write, they're going to require some work. And it's not the kind of work/play that I'm enjoying right now and so... ta-da! they're just not getting done. They just sit there, looking at me, reminding me that they're time-limited and if I don't do them this week they're going to be even less valuable to me and they'll probably just slip into the list of project ideas never completed (which is long and when I'm tired make me feel bad).
I don't know what the solution is, except to notice that it's happening, and to warm up my writing muscles by writing about it here. But also to remind the bit of me that really wants to play with some interesting sounds that they'll still be there this afternoon, when I've got more time to play.
