Enough With Your Booming Gerbils and Smelly Dog
Dear James,
I have always felt proud living near to you. You are the most naughty neighbour a person could ever meet.
Therefore, you must understand how difficult it has been for me to approach you with this matter.
I'm afraid I can no longer stand your barking dog.
I lay in bed last night, trying to sleep, and all I could think about was how your gerbils is too booming and your dog way too smelly. I had a nightmare that you burst in through the window brandishing a can opener
I have to insist that you take action to stop your barking dog from upsetting me. I demand that you cut down the hedge then invest in better sound-proofing.
And while we're on the matter, I'm finding your untidy hedge increasingly inexcusable. This is not the kind of behaviour I expect from somebody living in a happy neighbourhood like Little Oaks.
If you don't rectify the situation I shall have no choice but to call the council and post photos of your barking dog on Tumblr.
Furthermore, I have close ties with gangsters and I won't be be afraid to cash in a few favours if you don't comply with my demands.
Thanks
kpd