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I've been thoroughly depressed for years - to say I wasn't happy to be alive would be an understatement. I'm not going to get into the why of it - maybe some other time.
I knew I had too many problems - I wasn't able to deal with them all at once, so I did the best I could: I started a [really] long term self healing, self development process by means of introspection and various yoga techniques that I knew would help me reach my goals.
For the longest while this has been a trial and error process. However slow the progress, I found the challenge fascinating - the whole "nosce te ipsum" thing, you know, so I persevered. Thus began my journey into my own mind.
Laya yoga and introspection have been the best instruments ever - although I also read plenty of books and I found music therapy to be very beneficial.
My sense of humor developed an ironic side, then went to dark humor and sarcasm. This is how I coped with the darkness inside my head.
(image credit: youtube)
Once the process of "drilling" into my subconscious began to work, I felt like a twisted Alice in horror land.
All along, my social circle included plenty of happy people, who were fun to be around [for short intervals], but with whom I didn't relate too much. I usually retreated when they started spewing all that "think positive" cr...p - that really got on my nerves.
I'd think - what do they know about positive thinking, they who have normal minds, whose worst problems were getting stuck in traffic or having holes in their stockings?!
Then I'd ask myself - how can I, with so much poison in my mind, think positive? I'd have to give my mind a thorough cleansing first.
Accessing my subconscious, I found loads of self loathing, a deeply ingrained self destructive attitude, a strong wish that I'd never come into existence... nothing to joke about, really.
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My mental blocks weren't easy to access. Most of the time I felt like I was trying to drill a hole in a granite mountain with a tin spoon. It has been a very difficult, very tiresome process - and while I know I've successfully gone through most of my inner journey, I still have some things yet to accomplish.
What I want to address in this post is the positive thinking issue.
We hear about it all the time. The media is full of documentaries and a wide variety of content on this topic. Those who talk about positive thinking smile wide, look alert, happy, energetic and of course, successful.
And I can't help asking myself - who are these people addressing? Other people like them? God knows, when I was depressed, I couldn't stand them. It was as if they were preaching from the pulpit to us, the black sheep of this world.
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The truly smart people I've met - and I was lucky to bump into a few - didn't once tell me to "think positive". What they did was to help me gather strength; they were there for me when I needed help; they encouraged me and supported me the best they could. They understood.
As I begun to understand the complexity of the mind, I saw that the conscious mind is only the tip of the iceberg; if I wanted any chance at success, I had to work at subconscious level.
That's the whole trick. One can think positively his/her whole life, on a conscious level; if his/her subconscious is flooded with insecurities and destructive patterns, a conflict will arise - and the subconscious will always win - because it's stronger.
What I did was to get a hold on any glimpse of negativity that surfaced every now and then in my conscious mind - and follow it to the root embedded in the subconscious. Then I'd "rip" it out and replace it with a benefic thinking pattern.
To be able to that, I had to study and understand, to the best of my ability - the law of resonance and the law of karma. Then I put those two in practice and I persevered.
Small victories showed, slowly began to pile up to give me a stronger sense of purpose in this life.
I'd think - since I already am here, I'd better do something worthwhile.
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So, for all those out there wondering why their positive thinking doesn't work: you need to change your mental patterns at the root - in the subconscious. You won't think pink right away - it may take a long while until you feel your darkness turn into a mere deep shade of blue, and from there go to lighter shades of various colors. Don't worry about positive thinking - just keep working at changing your mental patterns - all the hard work will pay in the end.
You can do this by yourself - which is not something I'd easily recommend - or with someone who understands the intricacies of the human mind and can teach you the fundamentals. Then you do the work. This is the thing - you 're the one to do the work, nobody can really do it for you. But it's worth it.
[all the images are stills from "Finding Nemo"]
