I just want to say at the outset I hate meeting new pwople who know I'm an ex-teacher, now writer. They want to know how I juggled the two careers and then ask in a whisper, did writing win out in the end?
The real answer is, I don't know, or a better way of putting it--it's yet to be determined...like most of my life up to this point.
It may sound idiotic to say what I said at seventeen, that I'll know when I grow up--but at 40, I'm still a mess and straddling both worlds.
Oh sure, I've made the New York Times Best Seller List, but that's no guarantee I made it as a writer. in fact, I haven't had a best-seller since.
Some days I think of myself as not much different than the students I taught in high school. Honestly, sometimes I see myself as a crazy-mixed up kid.
Who the hell would go through life with this kind of monkey on their back?
Thing is, I would. I've always had difficulty making a choice and then making a commitment. It perobably explains why at 42 I'm still unmarried.
Writers tend to be vulnerable, setting Hemingway aside, and I think I'm caught in some kind of arrested development trap and am scared to death of letting go of the familiar.
Yeah, I'm definitely not the adventuresome type-- not like my fictional heroes--more like a timid Prufrockian who's mortally afraid to disturb the universe...
and by the way, did you notice, I see myself as a victim?
Well, you may ask, why the hell did I agree to become a writer-in-residence at the U of T, and I'd have to say, I don't know and I regret having made the choice.
All I know about is my own journey and I have no idea how to set up a writers' course let alone design a successful writing course for a mixed audience of students, faculty, and aspiring writers.
Frankly, I'm flummoxed. How do I build a flexible framework that addresses all these conflicting needs and still allows candidates to achieve at some or part of their goals?
I can't please everyone and I fell like puking because I have three days to figure this out before I meet with the group that unfortuantely signed up for this course.
Suddenly, my cell buzzes and I pick up to Mark's upbeat voice.
"Hey Cam, just checking in to congratulate you and remind you to use your formal name on the course outline―Cameron Marshall―that sounds a lot more professional than plain, 'Cam'."
I roll my eyes.
"That's the least of my problems right now, Pal. I have no idea how to design a university curriculum. I think I made a mistake in accepting the position."
"You're just getting jitters because you're doing something unfamiliar. You wrote course guidelines in high school and this is no different."
"But," I objected, "I've got three completely different groups in the same course. How do I juggle that?"
He's non-plussed by my anxiety.
"I'll help you structure the outline and remind you thatv you have to forget about rigid academic grading and use a more flexible approach that suits each group.You've taught de-streamed classes where you had 4 different ability levels and you we an excellent instructor. Don't sell yourself short."
"And when are you going to find the time to help me Pal? You've gor your own classes to manage."
"I've taught this course for years and could teach it backwards. I want you to come over tonight and by the time you leave, you'll feel totally better about your prospects. Come by at 7 pm and we may still be able to go to Sweetwater's for drafts by ten."
I laughed,"I 'll believe it when I see it."
"See you at 7 pm," he said breeezilly and don't be late."
I trusted Mark's competency in the classroom, but doubted he'd be able to work a miracle with me...but I was willing to try.
