I broke down a couple of days ago. I broke down so terribly and I thought to myself, It had better be PMS, because there’s no way you’re crying this hard because friends, or people who thought were friends, hurt you. How can I put this in a way that may even remotely paint the picture? I wept, guys. Like a baby. Long and hard and after crying myself to sleep, I woke up nearly four hours later, thought about it, and cried again.
It’s weird cause I praise myself to be nonchalant. I don't exactly love it, but I accept it now as my coping mechanism. The ability to maybe not exactly sweep things under the rug, but forget about things and people when need be. But I guess I need to face it — I’m not as nonchalant as I think I am. I'm a softie. A terrible one at that because my heart and my mind doesn’t know how to choose better on which events should hurt me and which shouldn’t.
It was sad because I had two challenging exams to prepare for the next day, and I spent a good amount of the time I should have spent reading, crying because I felt so deeply hurt. I was angry at these people and I was angry at myself too. Writing is the best way to express myself, so I’m hoping I can put into words exactly how I felt that day. I guess it hurt more because just a few days before, I had opened up to them (something I hardly do), expressed my fears and my worries, and now it hurt me that I would tell people that would hurt me this deeply and not care about it, so many things about me.
I saw something on Twitter where a lady said, “Stop telling temporary people so many things about you.” And of course, someone had commented on the thought that instantly came to mind as I saw the tweet. “Temporary is written on no one’s forehead.”
Someone could be the best thing since Nigerian jollof rice to you, but even you cannot predict or guarantee if that person who you have the best laughs with, and get so giddy inside just at the thought of interacting with them, will be a permanence in your life. Best case scenario, you remain close friends for life. Worst case scenario, you’re sued to court by this person or you’re blocking the person on all platforms. There’s really no way to tell these things.
But it doesn’t stop us from trying again right? From hoping that maybe this one won’t leave. Or maybe this one would understand me a little better. Or maybe I won’t be the villain that self-sabotages and sends the person running for the hills. Yeah, maturity is realizing that you are not always the victim. And you may just be the villain. Like, literally the big bad wolf come to life in people’s stories, and they may not be wrong about it. Be a big YOU. Accept that you may not be the good person you make yourself out to be, lol.
Oh, you guys. There’s so much to say. But I just completed my last Law exam for the semester and I’m exhausted as well as bummed because I did good, but I could have done better. Way better. In between loss: actual death and the end of friendships, having the best time with a few people that I’m coming to care a lot about, and having dark circles under my eyes for too many late night studying, it’s a lot. But I’m back, guys. At least for a little while, I’m back. And while I’m here, I’ll make it count, however way I can.
Lots of love to those who simply exist and to those who make the effort to survive. In the words of someone I really like, “You’ll be fine.”
Images are mine.
