Love asked me to grow, expand and evolve. This article is about my recent experience moving for love. What happened when I moved into someone else’s world? I realized how lost I was in my own. It's been a journey working through contrast to clear bad energy of old wounds, coming to peace with the woman I am today.
Deep down to my core I value one thing over all else; love. As I prepare to write this article, irony whispers into my ears, "You might love to love Jess, but you don't love to love yourself".
Well, thank you for that Ironic Whisperer! Thank you for bringing up a truth that I often dance around. YES, I absolutely love caring about and loving other people, especially when I am in a relationship. YES, I absolutely struggle to give my self enough attention, compassion and time.
As a single woman sure I could easily focus on my own connection to the world around me. Being mindful of one person has it's perks. When two worlds collide, my body starts to run on autopilot, doing everything it possibly can to avoid self-care. This ensures I will be left feeling lost, alone, unhappy and desperate for someone else's attention. What a way to live in a relationship with someone you love so much.
I had a really intimate moment alone a short time ago and it moved me, shook me and really made an impact on me, so I wanted to share, however personal.
I stood in front of the mirror and locked eyes with my calm reflection.
HOW DARE YOU! I yelled.
How dare you not love yourself.
How dare you turn your light off.
How dare you stop fighting for me.
How dare you manifest your life to move in this way.
How dare you give it all away.
HOW COULD YOU!
I looked at my reflection, I was devastated. I heard my words and wrapped my arms around my shaking body and held on tight. I had a breakthrough connection and yes I'll admit it felt a little strange to be yelling at myself but in the end I was left to feel empowered and enlightened. Able to scold and nurture myself within five minutes time. Something I should be able to do, not someone else. I am in control of how much love I receive from me, myself and I.
I left home. I moved for something I believe deep down in my core. I moved for love. Love has asked me to do a lot of things; things I had a choice to say yes or no to.
Love asked me to expand, to grow, to evolve and I said Yes.
I've written about Abraham Hicks on my site in the past, it might help to read up on her, or watch a few videos to make sense of some of the language I have or will use in my articles.
Let's talk contrast.
I've used the word "healing" before, but only until recently after sharing this original article with one of my great friends Caity, healing no longer resonates with me. We are COSMIC! We are exactly how we should be. There is nothing damaged about us. There is only contrast.
"Contrast is the basis of identification for what you are wanting" - Abraham Hicks
Examples of How Contrast shows up in your life:
Self-Hate, Negative Self-Talk = Contrast
Resistance = Contrast
Jealousy/Insecurity = Contrast
Loneliness = Contrast
Depression = Contrast
Anxiety = Contrast
Guilt = Contrast
Shame = Contrast
Anger = Contrast
Resentment = Contrast
Any bad thoughts/feelings = You guessed it! Contrast
If you can spot the theme, negativity is the basis of contrast. When you feel these elements of contrast sneaking their way into your life (because you are attracting them to your world) it serves to show you why you don't want to continue living in this way. Contrast feels SO BAD! Eventually you'll get sick and tired of feeling bad and want to feel good all of the time.
You are light, you are love, and BAM negative thoughts find you. Well imagine having that same thought follow you around for years, wouldn't that feel annoying? Aren't you tired of being followed around by it? What if those thoughts took a form. Let's say every time you have this repetitive thought a little storm cloud crept upon you and rained on you every single time you had this bad thought. Not only are you wet, dark, sad and droopy, because this is what you become energetically, on top of that, your light is dim, you don't attract people near you because no one wants to go near storm clouds.
I have been telling my story for some time now and I am finally exhausted from hearing about the pain, the sacrifice, the heartache, and suffering in the words I use. Those experiences in my life were moments of intense contrast and they've done their part. There is clarity now in who I am and what I want based on my experiences. I am grateful to have had these moments to show me what feels bad and what feels good, so I can begin a journey of focusing on what feels good.
The great thing about being in a relationship? If you are lucky enough to find someone who shakes you to your core, mirror's you, and stirs up your life, consider yourself lucky. You have the ability to WORK THROUGH these storm clouds! You just need to recognize them, that is the first step and sometimes the hardest.
How Contrast Works: (Contrast is like a storm cloud in this example)
What life has been like without me
Shortly after I moved in with Jacob, I got a job which kept me extremely busy for the entire summer. I was so eager to make friends that I’d hold onto anyone just to sprout a connection. I was desperate to speed up the moving process. I just wanted the transition to happen as fast as possible. After I realized I was having a hard time accepting the move, I stopped trying to make friends, it felt like I was looking for the company for the wrong reasons and because of that, I wasn't attracting the right kind of people.
This lead to staying at home more often and I was living in the country. A lot of great walks through many forests and occasional day trips with my boyfriend if he wasn’t working. I still felt like I needed more of a support system, it wasn't being fulfilled and I felt very isolated.
I couldn’t run five doors down anymore for a cup of tea and handful of bananas at Caity’s house to rant and rave about the ways of the universe. I couldn’t lay on the couch pestering my sister. I couldn’t just hop in the car with any of my friends at any given time and go for a drive. I couldn't call my mom to join me on our little women dates, or enjoy long conversations with dad in the car. I missed those things a lot. I miss you guys, all of you in different ways just incase you needed a message to remind you. I am present and fully involved in my "contrasting environment". So long as we are thinking of each other positively, I know that when the stars align again and the time is right, things will flow as they naturally did not long ago and we will reunite.
No one can prepare you for loneliness. I’m not talking about being lonely as most would. I used to be overjoyed to be with my own company. I used to really love it, I mean, I do at times here because I work on my website, go for walks, run, sleep, eat, cook a lot, write etc. There has been something about this move that has felt like I have been disconnected from my self. As I’ve been struggling to adjust, my light has become a little dimmer, doesn’t shine as bright. My dreams have seemed out of reach or impossible at times and this has allowed for my levels of discomfort, unease and sadness to feel heavier. I miss me. I've been a walking storm cloud of contrast.
I lost a part of myself that was wild. A wildness and a hunger for pursuing my goals in fearless way. I haven't even recognized myself for periods of time and today as I write this article I feel like a new woman is emerging, slowly but surely.
I can feel my own warmth coming back, my light is starting to shine again because I have made it past the most difficult shift for this portion of my life so far.
I used to hold on to any excuse to keep me from feeling okay here in this new environment. I wasn’t even aware of the degree to which I was resisting this move that I agreed to do in the first place. I chose to move here, so how could it feel so bad?
I have been working through some darker emotions over the past eight years or so. Trying to make sense of my self-righteous need for control, my worrisome and calculating thought patterns, or my incredibly severe lack of trust and insecurity.
All of these experiences were my contrast. They made me into a really strong woman, and only now do I find clarity. Contrast served me well.
Over the duration of my relationship with Jacob, I faced the darkest sides of me, which slowly but surely surfaced as I kindly resisted them into my world.
Lucky doesn’t begin to describe how I feel right now. To have been able to work on my own personal development within this relationship, how can I ever thank you enough for holding on with me? Gratitude. Overwhelmed with gratitude.
