Lately I have been trying to figure out why I have become so uncreative. I work hard at writing, programming, web design, and nothing seems the least bit original. My husband believes in my talent so much that we have cashed in half of my retirement account so that we can live normally for the next six months while I try to establish a freelance writing career.
The Hurrier I go, the Behinder I Get
My husband said that I was placing too much pressure on myself to perform and that's why I'm having so much trouble. I agreed; believed what he said was true. Now I'm not so sure that is the cause. While it is true that I do expect a lot from myself and that I'm harshly critical of my own work, there has to be another cause.
I Feel Fractured
I jump from trying to write a novel to writing short stories and then, because that isn't going well, I switch to non-fiction, then I decide that I should do some programming or web work and, before you know it, another days has gone. I haven't accomplished anything.
Ten, twelve, sometimes fourteen hours at the keyboard and often the only result is a bunch of tweets, Facebook posts, or a perfect score for the month in Microsoft Mahjong. Then I spend the evening berating myself for not accomplishing anything. I worry that I won't have time to do any of the things that I have wanted to do all my life and I vow to do a better job tomorrow. During family time, I only half listen to my husband or son because I'm busy plotting a story, architecting an application, or trying to figure out what should go on my website.
It has reached a point where they both sigh and roll their eyes when I say I don't remember being told something or even that I don't remember saying something myself. I was beginning to think I was in the early stages of Alzheimer's Disease.
What is wrong with me?
This morning it finally hit me. I never relax. Even when I'm playing video games, watching movies, or spending time with friends and family, my mind is racing to figure out what story, article, book or novel I should be working on. I go to bed at night and my brain climbs into the hamster wheel, trying to make plans for the next day.
How long has it been? I haven't completely relaxed since my husband, my son, and I went to Disney World in 2010. We've made a couple of trips since then, but they haven't been on vacations in the sense that I took time off from working and just enjoyed myself.
The problem is, I seem to have forgotten how to relax!
I'm not sure what I will do (or can do) to learn how to relax again, but I am sure that if I don't, I'm going to end up back in the nine to five daily grind, getting up at four in the morning to catch a train to work and getting home at eight or nine at night. Lather, rinse, repeat...
So here's the $64,000 question: What do you do to relax?
Who is Irene P. Smith? I am an author, programmer, and web designer. A former Contributing Editor to PC Techniques Magazine, I have written about computers and programming since 1989, and began publishing fiction in 2003. My home is in New York State, along the Delaware River, where I live with my husband and son.
You can also find me elsewhere on the web:
- My "other" blog: An Irene Thing
- My Author's Website: irenepsmith.com
- My Professional Website: irenesmith.com
- Facebook: IrenePSmithAuthor
- Twitter: @Story_Teller