While I don't consider myself an overly materialistic person, I'm someone who's big on gifts. I've often joked I could make a profession out of it, as someone who genuinely enjoys putting thought and effort into a gift. I love birthdays and holidays, and try as much as possible to get people things that represent them, speak to a passion/interest of theirs, or otherwise capture our bond.
I'm not a fan of gift-giving for its' own sake.
That being said, I have a friend who does that. I've written about it here before, and it's a lovely habit. It certainly changed my own ideas about gift-giving. I was someone who thought you needed to "save" gifts for special occasions, but with her, gift-giving is normal just because it's Tuesday, or because we see each other after a while of not.
Preparing to go out and meet her last weekend, I started pacing. I hadn't got her anything. It's become a little routine of ours, to get something the other person might like, a book, some coffee, some chocolate, stuff like that. A token, not necessarily a big, spendy gift. Last weekend, however, I just wasn't feeling it. It felt disingenuous, thinking "Oh, I've got to bring something because it's how we do", and I don't think it's a good idea, giving gifts when you don't want to. Isn't that self-contradictory, in a way?
I wondered how much of it was wanting to give this person something nice, and how much was angst at knowing she'd expect something. That she would bring something, and I wouldn't. I wonder how much of our gift-giving habits are, in general, revolving around expectations and quid-pro-quo mentality.
decided to go empty-handed. We spent a lovely time together, then she presented me with this lovely little bath gel thing. Smells divine, and I was grateful. Normally, I would've gone home feeling bad for not bringing anything, but this time, I fought actively against that icky feeling. It was my own way of telling my friend that we don't need to bring something every time we see each other for it to be special or meaningful. Who knows, maybe next time we meet, she won't bring something either. Then again, there's no telling I won't see something that reminds me of her meanwhile and get it.
I think gifts lose their meaning when they're given out of a sense of duty, so I try to avoid that. At the same time, I understand that being given a gift isn't strictly about me, as it is about the gifter's desire to affirm something. And I'm not going to step all over that. Some people give because they want to receive, and the best way to deal with that is not continue this ritual. Others give because it makes them happy, makes them feel like you know they care.
This week, the Minimalist community wanted to know how we deal with chronic gift-givers. Personally, I don't think it's my right, or very nice, to tell them to stop, as it's not in alignment with my core values. It's not about that, I don't think. If my friend's love language was something like telling me or hugging or spending time together, I couldn't very well tell her. Like sure, if you don't wanna be touched, but I couldn't say look, spending time together isn't in accordance with my chosen lifestyle, so please refrain, could I?
When someone gives me a gift, I try to involve them in benefiting from it. Like, I'll share a treat, or take them to a show they got tickets to, or invite them for a cup of coffee, if they got me coffee. But I won't say look, I don't believe in materialism, so please don't get me things. The object is a pretext, and I know that while they could express their love in other ways, it wouldn't mean as much. Because that's how they understand love.
