Peonies And Pondering

This week has not been particularly pleasant.

Okay, that may be an understatement, it has been downright miserable.

I am at fault for such an existential bearing, as I way, way overdid it last week. Well, I kinda had no choice, things and stuff had to be done, but holy immune system carcass attack am I paying for my to much to do's sins.

For two days I couldn't even walk. My immune system short circuited muy big and absolutely slayed my legs. I have deal with pain my entire life. We are old companions. Let's just say that those two days, really friggen hurt.

Day three, after much sleeping, elevated heart rate, cytokine leg muscle murdering, and random fevers, I was able to rise for a bit. Still felt like I had to life kicked out of me, but was able to function enough to do some laundry, dishes, and bake a delectable Shepherd's Pie in a Pie which I will probably write about at a later date.

Today though, I awoke a dizzy, disoriented, hurting mess again. Ugh. I have things to DO! It's SUMMER! AAHHHHHHH!!!

But, instead, I am doing the thing I don't practice enough, taking care of myself. I am doing a whole lot of resting. It's uncharacteristic. It's really quite nice. It also feels so very odd.

Yesterday, I had to go water the greenhouse. Before I went down to convalescent town, I had noticed the peony was getting ready to bloom. While I was moldering in my bed it had started. I was captivated by its beautiful largess and riot of ruffled petals.

I stood there for a bit.

I've written this post before. The crash. The misery. The eventual recovery. The chagrin at how I have treated my form. The resolve to change with regard to my care and keeping of my Self.

In many ways I am better at it, but as I am getting older my body can take less abuse. So I better quit failing and figure this out. I don't know how many more times my ol meat sack can take a blistering like the one I just endured. And mentally, I don't know how many more times I have it in me to endure such a thing. After a life time of never feeling quite right yet packing at least three people's worth of living into my timeline, I am feeling pretty fatigued.

And I have a whole nother year of school and interning ahead of me.

So, instead of fretting, worrying, or anxietying, I am just going to practice a bit of Kat care time. I am unapologetically resting. I probably need to get better at it and do it a lot more. Maybe even rest when I feel good and not when my legs are screaming in bone fire pain. I think that is my plan if I get better this time.

Right now it's a big if. Sigh.

But there is a rather nice pie on the counter so there's that.