I've been without computer for the last 2 weeks more or less and the first 2 days also without my phone.
The laptop burned down and my mother left with the charger for the phone.
beautiful bridge made with the leftovers from the old granite quarry that the huge crack is also derived from, here on Bornholm, Denmark
It wasn't as extreme a situation for me as it might have been for other people, since I am pretty used to travel and be out of signal and electricity, but it still caused a break in my habits and broke my world up a little bit.
All pictures are mine from the last few weeks on Bornholm, Denmark
I've been "settled" here on Bornholm since the 21st of June - before we were living in our campervan and travelling around, but needed some stability so we are staying in my mother's new house here for the summer.
Being settled I had more time to be on my laptop - though the brilliant weather and my 3 year old kept me from it most of the time - I still realised that I had quickly gotten a habit of staring at random things at the computer whenever I needed a little break. And suddenly I had to do something else!
Willow and all the beautiful red mirabelle plums - and these ones are really tasty too!
I am really in a time of my life where I need to reconsider everything..
I don't know what i am doing or want to do. I kindof got forced to look a bit deeper into myself with nothing to dive into to distract my attention.
Right now my partner Roberto is in Italy. His mother is sick and he has also been sick and unhappy for a long time. It filled a lot in my life and it couldn't really connect to myself, always worrying about him. So I had to ask him to leave and figure out what is wrong and come back when he can contribute better. We weren't happy together anymore and i couldn't dig into what he needs, other than he wanted to go and take care of his mother so he is doing that now. And i have space to see what it is I want.'
We both want to settle down, to have something that is ours, but we don't know where or how. We both have to find out what we really want, without being distracted about what the other wants, because we were living in an endless compromise not even really knowing what the compromise was really about.
I am really confused about what I want to do.. I am trying to find out what my values in life are and what it is i need to think about to take a decision.
Lately I have felt really lonely. All these many years of travelling has given me the change to meet many new people, but when I stop in one place, even in my birth country, I very often find myself alone.
The friends I have here have their own busy lives and new friends and I realised I cannot just come and expect they have time for me, when I happen to be in the country.
Settled people are often busy people, so I often find myself to fit much better into traveller circles where there is always space for spontaneous ideas or just sitting on the same beach for two days or whatever fits with the moment.
With my friends here with jobs or studies, I almost always have to make an appointment at least a week in advance.
So in some ways I feel more at home and more belonging while travelling. But I find myself getting less and less excited about meeting new people all the time. And moving all the time...
Damn I am tired!
These last few days I have realised that I really just need to hang out with some people who know me! To be able to talk about deeper things without having to spend the energy understanding each others ways of being. I don't have energy for that shit anymore..!
So that's why, when I am in Denmark I crave to have a stable connection with friends and family more than ever, and I can also feel on Willow that he is different and much more open when he meets some of the few kids he already knows a bit.
Even though I still feel awkwardly different from the settled lifestyle people has, I guess some deeper connections can only be build up this way - apart from a big travelling gypsy family of course, but that hasn't been easy to find either up until now!
But that still comes up as an idea!
Else the ideas I tumble around with is to find a house in Denmark? Or in Italy? Or in Spain? Or Portugal? Or in more places? Or just keep on travel?
As mentioned, I am trying to pin down my values.
I know I want deeper grounded social connections which involves children for Willow to play with.
I know I want connection to nature, both to grow a garden, but also wild nature.
I want a low cost living, so I am not forced to worry and think about money income. That's something I am an expert on at the moment - haven't had any need to have a job for years - but how will the situation be, living in a house?
I would like to be able to work with my art.
I think those are the prime things. Then I am thinking too about the environment - since I am thinking about Northern or Southern Europe. We have travelled a lot in the South lately, and I am very much in love with the generous nature full of amazing fruit trees and beautiful nature! And a climate that makes outside living very possible.
Denmark has a harsh cold climate with longer winters than summers and often the temperatures in summer stays under 20 degrees celsius (this summer is extremely unusual hot!), and with no mountains or big rivers it is almost completely covered with monoculture farmland, almost all rye, wheat, barley and corn. And lots of pig farms.
The surroundings and weather in the south are more beautiful to me, but I don't know how I would deal with the summer heat (I've never been there in the high summer) and the different language and culture and not knowing anyone.
Roberto doesn't want to settle in Denmark, but I am thinking about the possibility of us having a place in Denmark and a place in the South. Together with a few other families, so we are not as bound to the land - that there will be someone there always, and we can move between places and maybe even still travel sometimes..
I am starting to get to know a network here on Bornholm in Denmark of homeschool families, and it is an interesting opportunity to be a part of a network.
The thoughts are still way up there and unsettled, but this is more or less where I am atm. A bit of it at least. I think it could do me good to write everything down a bit more organised too ;D There are a lot more things in there. I think I will make a post about the homeschool network and summerparty we had last weekend :)
And now I don't have my copy paste file to add here anymore! - hoping to restore my hard disc as soon as I get to Italy where Roberto is with the device!
Thank you for stopping by!
