I attended a barbeque earlier tonight. The host was gracious, the guests were funny, the food was great. Within ten minutes of arriving I wanted to leave. I stayed an entire hour and pretended to enjoy myself but all I wanted to do was leave and spend the rest of my evening alone in my apartment. Self-isolating became a serious side effect of my time in an abusive relationship and even though I got out...I'm still locked in, still trying to feel comfortable with myself when I'm around other people. I thought I'd have more to say on this and wanted to write a post...but I think I'd rather process my feelings about tonight's event and try to examine exactly why I chose to nod quietly at people's conversations and help out in the kitchen instead of making new friends. Silence isn't always golden. It may just be a mask for something much darker.
