Sitting in her bed she contemplated life, all of life, not just the pending bills, and lack of employment but everything. The deep question, why am I here?
This year has been a rough one with turmoil and turbulance at every change of month and passing season. What is going on in her world? Why stay trapped within it?
She can't get out of bed today and hasn't been out of bed much more than to nibble on some toast and drink coffee. The stress is overwhelming and there appears to be no end in sight.
Rolling over, she grabs the remote control for her television and begins scrolling through Netflix. So many options, yet nothing at all, sort of like the conundrum of life. So much out there to obtain yet nothing to grab on to.
She spies a movie that had recently been recommended to her. It's a science fiction flick and sounds interesting enough. Time loops. Is this reminicent of her own life?
Mere moments into the movie, she sees how every three hours time repeats itself, gradually increasing in speed. Many times most of the characters die. Over and over and over.... never ending.
This is how she feels in her own life. Time is looping back in upon itself, each time gaining a bit of momentum forward but not enough to change the course of action.
The end, (spoiler alert) the couple who are the main characters realize they had been looping thousands of times! But instead of making a change by shutting down the very machine causing the loop, they decide to try again.... Is this not the definition of insanity?
She realizes she is in a loop and living the same reality over and over again with no real change. Is she insane? Is she really going insane!!
Panicked now, she gets out of her bed and starts pacing back and forth across the soft grey carpet of her bedroom. Hands covering her mouth, tears forming in her eyes, she feels she could die. There seems no escape from this reality. No way out of this life of debt and frustration. Collapsing to the floor, she sobs.
The hours pass by, and she is still in the same spot. Sleeping soundly, chest rising and falling slowly but evenly. Soft snores escape her mouth and she is peacefully at rest.
It was dark when she woke up, looking around, confused by the perspective she could see her room. Taking the time to get up off of the floor, she used the edge of the bed to hoist herself up. Laying on the floor for so long caused some stiffness.
She thought about her position in life, her position on the floor, and her position on the edge of the bed. What is she doing here? Why does she keep trying to same thing over and over again to no avail?
It's time. And with her final decision made, she went to the walk in closet. Reached up for her travel bag, and began to fill it with her favourite clothes.
No more arguing, no more excuses, no more abuse. He won't be home for another day, and this is her chance. so many times she thought about it but was scared. Speaking with a councilor helped but didn't completely quench the fear that kept her trapped.
She grabbed her purse and cell phone. There was a number for her to call under her sister's name so as not to raise suspicion. Keys, and luggage in hand, she walked out the front door, a new step in her paradox.
Without looking back at the house, she put the key in the ignition, turned it and drove away.
In my life I have been abused, and it can be very hard for others to understand the complexity that comes with it. Most people who see from the outside, think you can just walk away. But what they don't understand is the manipulation of the mind and emotions that comes along with abuse.
It can take years before true realization can come to you to leave. Literally you believe it is all your fault and you deserve the abuse you get. Unfathomable, to most, but to any one who has lived through it can tell you, it is like going crazy.
Learn about the warning signs of an abusive partner:
If you aren’t sure what constitutes this damaging behavior, here are 30 signs of emotional abuse.
- They humiliate you, put you down, or make fun of you in front of other people.
- They regularly demean or disregard your opinions, ideas, suggestions, or needs.
- They use sarcasm or “teasing” to put you down or make you feel bad about yourself.
- They accuse you of being “too sensitive” in order to deflect their abusive remarks.
- They try to control you and treat you like a child.
- They correct or chastise you for your behavior.
- You feel like you need permission to make decisions or go out somewhere.
- They try to control the finances and how you spend money.
- They belittle and trivialize you, your accomplishments, or your hopes and dreams.
- They try to make you feel as though they are always right, and you are wrong.
- They give you disapproving or contemptuous looks or body language.
- They regularly point out your flaws, mistakes, or shortcomings.
- They accuse or blame you of things you know aren’t true.
- They have an inability to laugh at themselves and can’t tolerate others laughing at them.
- They are intolerant of any seeming lack of respect.
- They make excuses for their behavior, try to blame others, and have difficulty apologizing.
- The repeatedly cross your boundaries and ignore your requests.
- They blame you for their problems, life difficulties, or unhappiness.
- They call you names, give you unpleasant labels, or make cutting remarks under their breath.
- They are emotionally distant or emotionally unavailable most of the time.
- They resort to pouting or withdrawal to get attention or attain what they want.
- They don’t show you empathy or compassion.
- They play the victim and try to deflect blame to you rather than taking personal responsibility.
- They disengage or use neglect or abandonment to punish or frighten you.
- They don’t seem to notice or care about your feelings.
- They view you as an extension of themselves rather than as an individual.
- They withhold sex as a way to manipulate and control.
- They share personal information about you with others.
- They invalidate or deny their emotionally abusive behavior when confronted.
- They make subtle threats or negative remarks with the intent to frighten or control you.
Source Link
Although, you may know these warning signs, how do stay immune to there effects? This is also not so easy because the lack of confidence can be rooted quite deeply. Working on yourself can be scary when having to face your past to repair yourself for your present and future self.
Take baby steps, see a councilor or join a support group. This gives you a chance to see you are not alone and most definitely not crazy!
I speak from experience, having gone back more than once and not taking care to repair my inner self to be protected from falling back into another abusive situation. When I took the step to see someone it changed my life for the better.
Thank you for taking the time to read my blog! If you would like to continue to read my writings, please comment, upvote and share to keep them active :) <3 - Fit Mama
