Have you ever tried something, failed epically at it then decided that you wouldn't try again because you were petrified that the result would be the same and perhaps the next time you wouldn't be able to recover from it?
People have fears like heights, rats, cockroaches, being rejected. I know for a fact that I'm not super woman, so like most people I'm scared of all these things, I forgot to add snakes, but in all, my greatest fear is failure.
I'm the kind of person that is scared to take risks. I like staying on the safe part where it's convenient for me.
It can be likened to when Judy said, "Turning savage was in the predators biology" in Zootopia.
Unlike my little brother, I do not believe we evolved from apes. I'm definitely not an animal. The basis of my point is that it's in my biology to tread carefully so I don't meet failure ahead.
My story is about failed love, I tried, failed and the trying again part?, we shall see....
The internet defines love as an intense feeling of deep affection.
I'm yet to find my own definition of it, all I can view it as is just complicated and I'll tell you why.
I've written many times on how I was the quiet, shy girl during my first year in school.
I thought I was invisible, but for the first time in forever I was noticed by someone, full disclosure I typed this because I am currently listening to For the first time in forever. Cartoons are everything.
I don't exactly know how love is supposed to feel like, but I really liked him.
I did it all, the smiling when I saw texts from him, laughing at his jokes that were not funny, waiting anxiously for his call. Maybe I was a girl in love, I really don't know.
I got admitted when I was sixteen, my only focus going into the university was to read, sleep, eat, then read again.
He was an unexpected distraction, one I won't lie I was very fond of.
Am I the only one that hate tags?
Can't we just be us without putting a tag on it.
This was another reason I liked him, he was comfortable with us just being us. Even though I was distracted, I knew a relationship wasn't something I wanted at that point. My books still came first.
I had never been in a relationship prior to that time and it wasn't just suitable for me to start learning how to be in one.
I had read maybe over a million books, the sparks, the butterflies, the craziness about a person. I really liked him but it wasn't to the romance books level.
He said he too wanted to focus and when we had both built a strong GPA, a tag could come in, something I was more than fine with.
Holidays came, we both went to our separate parents houses.
The time students dread came again and we had to return to school. We resumed, boom he had a girlfriend.
And no it wasn't me.
I'm not going to lie and say it didn't sting, I may have even cried a little but just three to five tear drops.
Not like there haven't been prospects. I just didn't think secondary school was for relationships and this one had felt different, like a really exciting future waiting to happen.
I decided was going to try something new, had it thrown back in my really pretty dimpled face and now?
I just don't know if I can try again, not because I don't want to.
Source
It's funny how something you didn't think would hold any significance in your life turns out to be a gigantic rock blocking your way.
At that time, as much as it stung, I saw it as life. In life we move. This happened about four years ago, typing this now or feels like forever ago but I haven't still haven't ever being in a relationship.
Sure, there have been other people, no butterflies experienced yet (I'm watching all those authors). I just can't let go and fall in. I can't even trust my little brother to catch me when we play falling backwards.
I want to have six children, I know they won't be produced by me only so I have to try again and I will, just like they say Third time's a charm, might end up being my luck too. I'll let you all know when I make it to the second first 馃槀.
On a serious note, I'm going to try, take baby steps if I don't want to end up alone but for now I'm just going to stick with Jon Bellion and believe him when he says...
Maybe I don't know
But maybe that's okay
