I got to thinking the other day which is something I shouldn't have to do anymore, it's 2021-19 outside, thinking's unnecessary and I don't like steps. I have two email addresses full of thought provoking material. YouTube knows what I want, they have my recommendations shined up and pretty in one click. Between them, inboxes and everyone who knows more than me, I haven't had to think for myself since the 20th century. I'm an iOS user, too, Apple's got my back. Plus I got you guys, my fave. My wife has instawhatever it's called, there's that. TV's in the Gym I fucking hate TV's in the gym!!
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Distraction
I'm a walkin talkin, hyphen-typin, don't belong writin sentences that rhyme & I don't know why I'm even tryin when it's irrelevant all I meant to admit is I'm an opinion receivin, time restraint exceedin, media feed readin magnet.
Opposite
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So when I got to thinking the other day which is :repeat: So when I got to thinking the other day which is a repeat of sentence 1 in this article you qualified group of resourceful fact checkers you, it hit me like a sexual misconduct charge in New York:
STAT!!
'Hello' :tap tap: 'Hi, my name's DanDays.'
Hi DanDays!
'I laugh at shit I probably shouldn't admit. It's been less than 20 minutes since my last relapse when I increased the immaturity level to already inappropriate sign language.'
It's ok, DanDays. Let it out. Nice deep breaths. You're safe now. This is the safe zone.
'I laughed out loud at the obituaries the other day, I didn't mean to! I shouldn't have been there, I didn't mean to go there. Damn autocorrect! I meant to type observatory. Then I saw Kathy Pitchett-Quick on the bottom of this list and without even thinking I scrolled through the remaining list of dead people searching for a clever first name to accompany the lovely Miss Pitchett-Quick and found Justin Taylor. Just-in Pitchett-Quick. I laughed again. There's a Richard on the list, too, imagine your father in laws name is Dick Pitchett-Quick. I laugh at obituaries.'
'I laugh and pretend I'm not laughing when people trip over their own feet in public. I'm genuinely concerned for their safety but I can hardly contain myself, it's hilarious! I'm dying on the inside—love it! The more spectators the merrier. Only thing better than some poor bastard I've never met falling on his face in a crowded environment is just before he falls, in that fraction of time before he instinctually throws both hands in front of him to brace for impact, he launched two bags of take-out through the air and its phô.'
'Or the frozen pizza box the other night when step 1 said "remove pizza from packaging." I couldn't help it! I laughed. Railroad crossing arms aren't installed until after however many people died in the intersection.'
'Echoing air horn rattles neighboring windows at the speed of a locomotive. Three conductors up front shitting theirselves, screaming everything they can think of as loud as they can scream it at the waiting vehicle just ahead but it's not moving. The driver and two passengers can't hear anything over the new radio—didn't feel a thing.'
Ka'pow❗️
'Split the Volkswagen in two, wasn't the first time. Blood and guts lathered those tracks for miles until city council approved a pair of crossing arms. A lot of motorists met the same fate. I thought about how many houses must've burned to a crisp before they changed "preheat oven to 450" in step 1 to "remove pizza from packaging" and laughed out loud.'
'I think it's funny when a tow truck's being towed by another tow truck. Look, I'm as confused as you are, I can't explain these things like a dentist with bad breath. Or when all I meant to do was be a good friend to Ray on his way to marriage counseling but when I typed something something relationship, autocorrect said something something relationSHIT! I know I shouldn't but I do, I laugh out loud at these things.'
'Suicide note—hear me out! I didn't mean to laugh out loud, it just happened. Easiest way I've found to avoid laughing at potentially harmful literature is by not reading it. I didn't mean to read it, it wasn't intentional. I should've X'd out or scrolled back or flipped the page or something but I didn't when I found Pennsylvanias state treasurer, Budd Dwyer's suicide note. Dude got convicted for bribery at age 55 and sentenced to prison. His note said he didn't want to cause "financial or mental harm" after first being convicted of bribery followed by blowing his head off and I think the irony's hilarious.'
'I laugh when someone burns their eyelashes cuz they got too close to the flame. Or when they bite into painfully hot food and frantically fan surrounding oxygen in a last ditch effort to prevent blisters from forming in and around their mouth—hysterical! I offer no assistance in these situations, instead I pay close attention and laugh at their expense.'
'My buddy's daughter was about five years old, dude nobody knows stops by to pick up firewood. My buddies wife is pregnant, buddies daughter is well aware mommy's pregnant and understands this. Dude buying firewood brought his wife, she's really fat. Doesn't bother me, I don't care, I'm just telling you she was really fat cuz she was really, really fat. Five year old daughter says to dudes fat wife, "my mommy's got a brother in her belly too!" Hashtag Defenseless, I laughed out loud.'
DanDays, if I may, excuse me. My apologies, I'll be quick, you're doing great! Excellent! Unfortunately we only have the building for an hour.
'Yeah, ok. Wait, are you serious? Of course! Sorry, I have a tough time taking anything seriously like a tattoo artist in socks and sandals. Thanks for having me, enjoy the rest of your weekend, all that stuff. I'm late to somewhere I'm supposed to be anyway.'
'We found a giant nativity in Rome. That's not the funny part. Everyone's decked out in Christmas gear, chestnuts are roasting on every other corner. There's about a dozen church choir carolers dressed like biblical times singing Glory To The New Born King in front of the thing, we stopped and listened. Everyone's an amateur film producer with their camera phone recording when suddenly a young girls voice from the middle of the audience somewhere echoed louder than everything else, "mommy, you're drunk again!"
