I started the year in a daze. Lost with a vague sense of direction,
but I knew I was on to something.
"Decadence" was inspiring and would be the birth of my rave family. I entered the vehicle at 3 am on a Thursday with two people, one of which that called me from 50 feet away with her energy on a beach at my first festival and the other a sweet woman I had never met that gave the most amazing hugs. The weekend would be spent dancing and sharing a hotel room with these two unknown women and me looking for something. Something I could not explain, but I knew it was out there.
2016 had been a hard year. I had separated from the women that drove my passion and fueled my heart. I had never imagined a world where she wasn't mine. I had lost my company that I had grown from 6 employees doing 125K a year to 32 employees doing almost a million a year. 14 years I had dedicated to that company and my fuel source was depleted. My focus shifted from my once whole and loving family to myself and what my purpose in life was. The pressure broke me daily in 2016. I recovered memories of my tragic and brutal childhood sexual abuse. Leaving me running emotional and my favorite way to run was getting lost at a festival or rave.
On our way to the festival, we met up with another 3 strangers at their hotel. The couple in the group would be an intricate part of shaping my 2018 and the rest of my life. They were friendly, kind and PLUR as fuck. They had an attitude and energy that would attract anyone to befriend them. The 3rd was a shy young 18-year-old girl that would become like a little sister to me. She was beautiful and innocent.
We were stuck in the line of cars waiting to get to the show and I was not going to miss Slushi. I jumped out of the car and walked to the gate half a mile away. Here I am standing in line anxiously waiting to see one of my favorite DJs thinking for sure I was going to miss his entire set, but mindful knowing that the universe was right on time and my job was to simply enjoy the ride.
To my surprise, I caught the last two songs of Slushi. I was flying high and everything seemed to be working out. I had already met about 20 new people and this was only the first hour. My entourage had finally made it in and we met up and they had been joined by four more from the couple's hometown. The newcomers included a young insightful woman that would become my soul daughter, a beautiful bubbly sweet girl that would be my first kiss of the new year, a young man that was so pure in his intentions that he could handle anything and a flamboyant headstrong man with which I would develop a love-hate relationship with. He would openly hate me and I would love him for it. He also loved me to some extent and I know he appreciated the fact that I would not take offense to his need to dislike me.
On the second night as the clock counted down I felt as if I needed to pee and was finishing the last three questions on a test almost in a standing position on my seat. I could not wait for this year of agony, tears, depression, discovery, heartbreak, poverty, thrill and excitement to end.
I felt her in that moment. The women I loved thinking of me. It was like a dagger to the chest. Tears rolled down my face as I began to say goodbye to the connection I had lost with her. I was standing amongst thousands completely alone 2017 would be the year I discovered me and what I was meant to become. I would refine my art of writing, start throwing raves and shows, find my new love and start the journey toward my purpose of greatness.
I welcomed this long journey with a hopeful mind and open heart.
2017 marked the year of finding my mentor and leader. She found me in a dark place and gave me a home for my mind. She helped me find my genius and my ability to see a life without limits. I spent a considerable amount of time with my cohort that has seen and experienced desperation, poverty and utter defeat. He had come back from the lowest point a man can journey. He's story inspiring and his heart even more so. These two have helped me see and accept what I have to offer the world and I am thankful to call them friends.
One particular week I had done some excessive running. Getting home at 4 am on Tuesday, 6 am on Wednesday, 4 am on Thursday, 6 am on Friday, Saturday I went to a bar crawl, and Sunday I spent having a few drinks with friends. This ended on Monday when I got so sick I was in and out of consciousness for 36 hours. Until my former girlfriend came a nursed me back to health. At the bar crawl on Saturday I was sitting on a stool at a narrow wooden table when I noticed the woman sitting across from me. We got to talking and I said: "I like your energy can I hold your hand". We spent the majority of the night holding hands. With me occasionally making out with other people. I walked her to her car and I was hoping she would take me home. Her energy felt soothing and sturdy. We made out a bit in her car and then she drove me back to the bar.
A month later out of the blue, I got a photo from her of my mask I had left in her car. After doing some Facebook stalking and seeing how stunning she was I asked her to come out with me. She was broke so I traded her a ticket to a show for a Reiki session. I would have bought her the ticket anyway. Her friend was going to join us but bailed thankfully at the last minute.
After spending a day in half and a whole LSD trip with his amazing women I came to a realization that would transform me and offer clarity to life. You can read further on that here. This newfound ability gave me a way of rewiring my past and finally making my past, just that the past. It's worth the read, actually, it's some of the best writing I've ever done.
I had found my new love. She was brilliant, talented, soothing, caring, compassionate and would be the woman I wanted most in this world. We both decided we didn't want anything serious, but a night in Vegas a month later would be the end of that. I noticed on the ride there she was holding back as was I. That night I said" "Fuck it, let's give monogamy a try" She replied: "Can I think about it". "Of Course," I said. Hours later laying in bed looking into her stunning blue eyes she simply said yes. I can still picture the image of her face in that moment even without shutting my eyes. She was so lovely and her intentions soo heartfelt. Our relationship flourished in 2017 we combined our homes and our 6 kids. At times we have struggled, but she was and remains my number one supporter and encourager. She sees me has something greater than what I see myself and her version of me granted me a passion to pursue my dreams.
In early spring I met my dreadlocked, genius and enthusiastic partner. We had met by my random Facebook friending of 300 plus people on Facebook and me asking my new friends to tell me what they did. His simply reply "I'm a Lighting Guy" and the stage was set. The rest of the year was a blur of shows and fun times with my new love and my business partner.
Together we started movements, a company, and two weekly shows
that would take Salt Lake City by storm.
I have made so many lifelong friends in 2017. They have shown me that when it becomes dark and life seems hopeless you will find the light from within that shines brighter than the sun. That no matter the distance the journey to find your purpose and to find you is worth every step. That we should be grateful for the agony of tearing down everything in order to build what we are meant to be. I have so many fond memories of 2017. The start of something greater than myself and finding art in life and everything we do with intention.
Of all these friends I would like to take a moment and give a big shout out to my best friend. She like me has been lost and is on the journey to find herself, but I promise you world when she does find her purpose everything will change. I love you bestie and no matter the time that passes or the roads we travel. You will always be my BFF.
For good measure here is the picture of my amazing new family. I love you kids and I especially want to say this. Babe, I want you more than I've ever wanted you. You bring me so much joy and I will cherish every moment I have been blessed to have you.
I would love to say I'm excited to see this year come to an end, but it was far too amazing to be excited. Although I look forward to the future. I'll miss this year that marks the beginning of me, my loving relationship, my partnership, a new art-filled life and most of all compassion to change the world and grant others the ability to see the light when everything seems lost. That no matter how hard we get knocked down we will rise again stronger and with more intensity. That one of the best things that could ever happen to you is to nearly lose everything.
My direction is set. I know where my life is headed and I still have never been more sure of its direction.
