It is early morning, the sun up for around an hour, and my Beloved 
The past is so out of harmony with where we are now! It doesn’t even seem possible that it all happened! My childhood was filled with the madness of bad primary-caretaking, separations and re-marriages, drunkenness and not-insignificant violence, then abandonment and estrangement, and the early deaths of my mother and two step-parents.
It is no surprise that my relationships took some ironing out, and that my own inner work took several decades – but even then, even after all the decades of detoxing and de-armouring, of being brutally honest with myself, and of learning to discern, of getting braver and true-er and free-er… the more I improved myself, the lower the calibre of man appearing beside me. And the less tolerant I grew of this irony.
I am reminded of the living metaphor that the darkest hour comes just before the dawn: every crisis in my life has preceded a great, spontaneous improvement; every impossible situation was in fact followed by a most fabulous and almost-always-unexpected perfect solution.
My disastrous relationship pattern in life was like this living metaphor: it was dire and hopeless….until it was suddenly and permanently Right.
Part of our story makes me think that we are just ‘lucky’ – blessed and favoured ...something miraculous. The greater Self knows however that the work was vital before we could find each other. The soul-searching and humility and loosening of the tight parts of our Beings. The keeping open of our auric fields, until it was time to weave them into One. The maintenance of genuine optimism in the face of all darkness and bad examples and cynicism and rudeness throwing themselves at our senses.
It is an amazing attribute of humanity, that a soul is capable, no matter what it sees in front of its eyes, of believing in what is Good, Whole, Real and True. It is an extraordinary achievement, even if I say so myself, that both Vincent and I kept working at ourselves, and believing in better relationship, even with the evidence in our intimate experience, of terrible rapports between men and women. All of us have to breathe in every day the smog of man versus woman, female fighting male, logic quelling intuition, humans aggressing environment, etc, etc - it is what our very culture and identity is built upon: yang against yin, rather than the right model of yinyang.
Adapting to the correct relationship is not without its hazards! Old patterns rumble to the surface, and the ego and energetic field have to literally be reprogrammed. We come together as cocreators rather than with a pre-designed pathway for our rapport, so all we have to work with is our everymoment, and what flows through it. It is work, for sure: we both have distinct habits of auto-sufficiency, from years of having had to strive all the more by ourselves. These habits can override politeness and gentleness, care for the other, perspective of our shared purpose. Some lessons are hard learned and some pop back into position effortlessly. Very occasional situations arise where neither of us can find our core and calm our minds; the ego snaps and raises its voice, and the other suddenly feels like Other for a brief moment…. We push harder and let go simultaneously, each of us, and soon find a solution that does not require any pouting, sulking, cold silence or passive-aggressive response, as (at least my!) previous relationships would have involved!
The riches that have come to us both, joining our forces, are on every level: physically, economically to begin with, and then emotionally, mentally, culturally, creatively, The pooling of our resources has resulted relatively quickly in our finding our new land and home, as well as in resolving multiple issues that held my life in stasis, like fixing the car, travelling, gaining distance and perspective from my previous life. We are merrier in our adventures, as much as they are challenging! A wholesome happiness fills our days and our nights, even when we are going through catharsis overwhlem.
And our healing journeys are suddenly all the lighter: combining our great wealth of knowledge, we have been able to hone in on specific learning paths about what is out there to resolve our respective discords in mindbodyspiritcosmos, and we’ve settled into an incredible, steep upwards healing curve, using Masterpeace by Human Consciousness Support: we both highly recommend looking into this inimitable zeolite cure-all (we originally heard of it via Crrow 777 Radio podcast) – it has been created by some very wise folks who know what is going on behind the scenes in our world, and who are providing the antidote to much of what is poisoning humanity. We’ve been taking it for around 4 months, and I personally have had life-changing release from some debilatating symptoms: it has been a key game-changer in our relationship, too; supporting our detoxing and reprogramming from our previous lives…. I’ll write more about this in the future.
We’ve discussed the fact that my Beloved Vincent is a twin, and how this might impact on the shape of our Love. We have a twinflame symbiosis, which can be quite spooky at times! And that might be to do with how long we have spent together: whereas most early relationships in the modern world might consist of weekend dates initially, then a slowly-closer series of steps, working around work schedules – like other free folks, we have spent nearly every minute since we met, in the closest of proximity. This has allowed us all the natural time and rhythm to resolve all of our tensions, symptoms, neuroses: having the right mirror to reflect back to us what we are needing to improve, helps.
Part of our good rapport, we can attribute to simply wanting to be together, commitment to common values and having a similar yearning to grow and learn, practise and liberate, explore and expand. Neither of us found anything like this in previous relationships, and so the actual space and time opening up in front of us is huge. It rattles me even, at times, that I have all that I prayed for and demanded of the Universe! It is an enormous change and shaking up of the ego, that there is no-one to blame now, if I do not make it work! Such a twisted pattern of my past, choosing to stay with men who are not resonating with me on core values or practises: it can be so addictive to stay in those messy designs, when culture pours new versions of them into our eyes-ears-imaginations. How can we design something completely wholesome, better, real, if all we see is the repetition of non-harmonious?? It infects like a bioweapon.
We feel like Adam and Eve at times, on our beautiful land. We have a ‘blank canvas’ and we have combined wisdom and instinct to fill it with. There are suitable sfide to keep us alert and active: the fact of (initially!) having no water supply, the steepness of the land, an excess of feline neighbourliness, the gnarly cement-laden casetta, the centuries of dust and dung in the lower rooms, the occasional insect overwhelm and getting woken up by foxes/ wild boar/ porcupine/ the cockerel in the night… But we relish every disturbance, ultimately. It is the spice in our sustenance: as grumpy as it can trigger us to become, every friction leads to a joyful return; we have this time, each other, and we can build and improve on everything.
I’ll admit that having my right partner in life has been the strangest of happenings. Just before Vincent came to ‘visit’ for a week last September, he voice-messaged me sounding a tad concerned. He’d found out that his landlord (in Portugal, where he’d been living for 7 years) actually wanted to take over his rental house for longer than he’d originally expected, and that this might mean he’d have to stay longer: he offered that if this was too much, he could rent somewhere, or find another solution. I felt very relaxed about replying that, no worries; we’ll just figure it out, and find our own space. But I heard an edge in his voice that suggested some tension around him being with me for an extended period, face-to-face, In Real Life. A healthy concern to not step into my privacy, and a gentlemanly want to be respectful.
As I replied, I also felt an underlying flowering of possibility. A mantra came into my mind (though I’d never in our 4+ years of knowing each other online, considered him as a romantic potential): “Vincent could be my life partner”. It was a very funny statement to come fully-formed, into my mind at that time! In my past, I’d often project ideas about relationship onto all kinds of men, especially those who were unavailable/ not attracted to me! This was something very new, to have no projection, and to absolutely not know anything about our energetic connection.
But I had noticed him ‘leaning into’ me, as we met (with others) for our Co-creation Sessions, and there was always the possibility of a visiting man having some kind of a presumption about my ‘availability’ as their host (it had happened just before Vincent arrived, with an overly-expectant Workawayer, who I’d had to ask to leave!) - folks perhaps being enamoured with my online persona, but unable to handle the whole woman! But there was no discomfot, no tension, no preoccupation, as I boarded the train for Napoli to meet him. Just a delicious sense of wellbeing. Unusually calm ‘excitement’. Ease as he came into my field, and ease as we perambulated Naples, found lunch, played Scrabble on the train back to Guardia. There was nothing to create controversy or discomfort: we knew each other on all levels, even from having been only on video and voice messaging…
I am wholly and completely grateful for this great Gift in my life, of my partner, my cocreative genius man, my funny and wise and gentle and strong masculine balance, my wholling, freeing, heart-opening master of Love. Though we did the work, our coming together is a divine Gift and a miracle, and I know that every human being deserves and has the potential to have this kind of aligning of the stars. We are all meant to find our equal; the one who will bring out of us our greater self, and who will calm all of our jaggy edges. We’re supposed to be coupled and intertwined with an Other: it’s in our makeup, our heavenly blueprint as it were.
I regularly give gratitude to God, to the Universe, to Divine Intelligence, for the Great Blessing of this righting-of-all-wrongs, and my return to Heart-centred living. It is a continuing happy prayer, that runs through every day – and which reminds me that we are here with purpose and direction. We radiate out the Love that we have, and hold space for all of humanity to return to Love.
Clare.
