Like most, I dream when I sleep with no control over what those dreams hold. If I could direct them I think I'd choose to do so as I sometimes have the most terrible nightmares however the fact I cannot doesn't cause me stress or upset me too much; It used to, however I have worked too hard on myself to allow those ephemeral nightmare-moments to impose upon me in the day.
I've endured moments and events that have caused much stress, have been so hurtful and destructive that years later still have the ability to pull me backward into what I can only describe as a crevasse, steep sided, dark and deep. This, in my waking moments and when asleep. I feared it if I'm to be candid; it held no comfort for me. It was a condition I desperately needed to change.
A close up photo I took of some flowers a friend brought me.
In the last few years I've worked on that. It began one night when I woke up in the dark after a particularly savage dream and was so frightened of falling asleep again, of being me, I just lay there staring at the nothing. That's when I got angry.
I was angry at the events I'd lived through, the things I'd seen, forced to see, had to do and those things done to me. Most of all I was angry at myself for being lazy and stupid and not understanding that I was in control, or at least, had the ability to exert some control.
It was that moment I promised myself I'd not hate myself anymore and neither would I allow those past events to compromise my life now. I wanted to be happier, to smile and laugh and to forgive myself. Forgive for what? For not finding the courage to do this sooner for one and many other things.
I made a conscious effort to be happier, to smile more genuinely, say thank you, I appreciate you, to more people including myself, genuinely and with passion.
I rediscovered flowers and yoga. I didn't beat myself up when I had a custard-filled almond croissant, instead I enjoyed it. I began to fall in love with the little moments of life: My baths, clean fresh sheets, rain on my face, books, walking, my body which was something I'd all but forgotten existed. There were hundreds of special moments around me and I embraced them all and slowly the darkness subsided, became a little more distant and indistinct. I felt like I was filling my vessel with so much happiness, light, love and passion that there was little room for anything else. I was in love again, with myself and life.
Years later my dreams are still bright. No, not so much bright, but more pastel coloured and colourful. A field of multi-coloured flowers swaying in the breeze, light through a stained glass window or maybe the brush strokes on a Monet masterpiece.
My dreams, awake or asleep, are beautiful. I have darker moments still, we all do. I have nightmares too, they will never leave me completely I think, but it's different now. They don't pull me backwards into that crevasse like they once did; not as much anyway.
My life isn't perfect. I'm not perfect, and I'm certain I'd not want to be either.
Life is flawed and imperfect, like me, but that's balanced by the beauty and goodness life can bring. There's darkness and light, shades and colour, bad and good...Life is all of that and I am also.
One of the most momentous achievements in my life is understanding that I'd not be Becca without the darkened, shadowed or destructive moments my life has delivered.
Understanding that and choosing to accept them, but only give them the importance they are due, then moving on to focus on the beauty, colour and light I'd like my life to resemble has been an incredible achievement and one I'm very proud of. I choose to look forward. I choose to think about what I have, not what I have not, and I choose to be my true self; Becca.
Thank you for reading this entry to the #weekend-engagement blog prompt week 99.
Becca 馃挆
