![perfect-ending.png](https://files.peakd.com/file/peakd-hive/lifehackeraf/23ynhCNWeTjEjWM3BKvTtG9fXfxDzN6NiogXqjgZ11GJGvrDZzSQa9jfgtSrE3iyLE9pe.png) ^{"I loved you for freedom"} ![Large-hr.png](https://files.peakd.com/file/peakd-hive/lifehackeraf/23tv8hvCuwTxUa5Cye5ynqT8jq6K1JqC6LwZP8GZykzYSZC7vBtEDwEkitducQDBN6Y9m.png) ## 2025 I keep coming back to this “nervous breakdown” journal entry (although I’ve always referred to it as a “breakthrough” after the experience and subsequent learning that followed) from 2018. Because I found myself in a position, in 2024, of not being able to work (nor wanting to work) in any arena I am skilled to work in. And trying to get a cleaning job to survive new “life” circumstances.

![cover-beauty.jpg](https://files.peakd.com/file/peakd-hive/lifehackeraf/23xAdzGRZddefBaJiEHHici16Yag9KraC2syaioKhbg8RU4uLrqamWmGtah8KAMZt4scS.jpg) ^{"We bretheren are he said"
_{- Emily Dickeson, I Died for Beauty}}

There’s a Zen Bhuddist saying” Before enlightmentment, chop wood and carry water. After enlightenment, chop wood and carry water.” Or summink like that. I was, and still am in some ways (but perhaps this understanding is permanent), [at The River](https://genius.com/Hermann-hesse-chapter-5-kamala-annotated) in my seeking and journey. At a stage, again and again, where Jung’s statement makes too much sense. > “Talking is often a torment for me and I need many days of silence to recover from the futility of words.” _{- Carl Jung}

![1c.jpg](https://files.peakd.com/file/peakd-hive/lifehackeraf/23xybNJZxirPTWjQrJrCTsQ46V7cf8weGnHvpyQtQf37L4XMbAeVfesUtTn4cJ8jh1bo2.jpg) ^{"Words, words, words"}

![1b.jpg](https://files.peakd.com/file/peakd-hive/lifehackeraf/2432SeQnQTQDN5UxfketXBmgYbrs68MVDor3QxrzFmdKqFGKX1NnNFTaPvqnbdyGfEzW8.jpg) ^{"Puppet Masters"}

Yet our words have so much power that it also seems selfish to sit in too much silence. Self-indulgent / Selfless. Again and again, I guess it all comes down to motivation.

![1d.jpg](https://files.peakd.com/file/peakd-hive/lifehackeraf/EonmQgD3EPcqBM78QMEAFWzn6PjYzgDqyvTNWtckgQgS3kU3mRYy6jQnoB63MK71uii.jpg) ^"Shadowed"

But even motivation falls away when you go deeper and begin to accept that, perhaps, everything really is as it should be.

![1.png](https://files.peakd.com/file/peakd-hive/lifehackeraf/23uQxSovK7qycNqNgbazBL3JKikU87vgQmysGQ6LvUQAZbLayy41h9avi6HhVXCZ756Wk.png) ^{"They are but One"
_{- Emily Dickenson, I Died for Beauty}}

So how much *must* we participate, really? If we fully accept (in fits and starts) that everything is “as it is” and will remain so despite our best efforts or imaginings. And it will go on without us, regardless and so on and so forth. Once again, this can be terrifying and liberating. And, in truth, it’s usually both.

![2.jpg](https://files.peakd.com/file/peakd-hive/lifehackeraf/23wWyPX3aARdJYVH9ccL4RGLowPVts2YRo7hsugb9b84CfPWwrb1BdhCNckkDk1YTSxAC.jpg)

![1a.jpg](https://files.peakd.com/file/peakd-hive/lifehackeraf/23z7QadKsBtc9vDEKr3FERDwr8JMu7E8y4XLodfXXbp2BMAXDQCSTe1bAYeCMZ78vz7VU.jpg)

The post below was the beginning of The Perfect Campaign.

![10.jpg](https://files.peakd.com/file/peakd-hive/lifehackeraf/241tfs4U5QtDgQqPpv2FtrYUPH7TvDUoFunbKa5YrHGm9n9FSjbjZKRLtxTpmyzUwKkkQ.jpg)

A journal of the initial psychological and spiritual (though I am loathe to use the word because of its sensitivity – or our sensitivity to the word, more precisely) event in late November / early December 2018. A bizarre moment when something came through and some kind of “purpose” was set in what seemed like fate. Even though I never believed in fate.

![unicorn.jpg](https://files.peakd.com/file/peakd-hive/lifehackeraf/243BuTHRHx2TWSnMczvvcnm5J6zcW8YNAcSuyp3nzfnnXi6mcDEp8VnzayXMd9XMMUR71.jpg)

![3.jpg](https://files.peakd.com/file/peakd-hive/lifehackeraf/23wqkB4ExrEZSN8jY8wT3iGwHHU5kyUkj9tfquehL17m2rYfu4DvA9XJ2bNP9u41SvL5E.jpg)

And, I suspect, the “breakthrough was too manufactured for it to have (maybe) been an authentic purpose. We shouldn’t fuck with much. It ruins the magic/synchronicity/authentic god (or whatever you might call it) connection. See? Although if everything is as it should be this statement is also futile.

![chicken-man.jpg](https://files.peakd.com/file/peakd-hive/lifehackeraf/23wCLg84Jrd4R6km5YfnpgekBFpgzFW9zRj4QCAePsD1vsAAeK3gm3aLCGm1jd5mzqkRi.jpg)

But a crisis of sorts occurred and, as a result, a project aimed at education and free support for the youth began to be developed. A project that would lead to multiple “deaths” of various kinds (from the material to the psychological to the physical), for me, that would, ultimately, grant me both the answers and the “freedom” that I’d been searching for, for most of my life. It would also lead to the writing of a book. Or two. Some of which has been vandalised. Both of which have been misused and misunderstood. But that is inevitable when you've experienced Jung’s projection and learned a bit more about the science of human consciousness.

![1e.jpg](https://files.peakd.com/file/peakd-hive/lifehackeraf/23xyVG7ogFMXN6Hx4YPMDaNvFTpXM2L7tpJMragyQEhbYVisgVYUe5t2U8UijdHNa3bXc.jpg)

I will not be going back to fix them. At this juncture. Perhaps only to finish these projects off as best I can.

![4.jpg](https://files.peakd.com/file/peakd-hive/lifehackeraf/2458ZKPedPsyoDYhcCKnhCTESkiWki2cw1RUiE5ehfgdrgz8Gve7rLWGpjWnYZQdFNG8X.jpg)

So this weird situation began to unfold after my curiosity about some questions had been raised. Although, with hindsight; more understanding; and a shift in perspective due to both, I've realised that life is a chain of events and a story really doesn’t start where we think it might.

![5.jpg](https://files.peakd.com/file/peakd-hive/lifehackeraf/2432PsQLCQGVeQj5cVk1uDx4tvYgjQeTNqrSM9NwEV6395c3WhYLqJ4WWtSSHJdti5MXE.jpg)

![6.jpg](https://files.peakd.com/file/peakd-hive/lifehackeraf/23xAgeTm9thX3UonHwdptLLXgV45BTXGrePdEfhK2cnbj3o2kLzyvkj5dCqX2PkEFtzxr.jpg)

How far back does one have to go to unravel the Now? To stop recreating it. I was driven to find out and move forward. This has now become a simple choice. Even if I am totally fucked. Which, [again and on most fronts even worse](https://peakd.com/hive-124452/@nickydee/call-me-crazy-116), I am. Still.

![8.jpg](https://files.peakd.com/file/peakd-hive/lifehackeraf/23wgTtkPvtdZsZrrC5E6sPmNAXmjvgN53AgiyTFSFHDtSAxkdL3T5ccjVSQ7tuMdVwEpC.jpg) ^"Nemesis"

But, along the path of sharing and practice and learning more, I came to understand that there is little way that I could explain most of my life experience or impart the personal wisdom gained from walking through the situations that arose because of my curiosity and actions.

![12.jpg](https://files.peakd.com/file/peakd-hive/lifehackeraf/243BniQXbDVQxc7sRrKi6J5ARNbVy1zZBhaMBtdtGsSgr5cwnqHB9dYj33E3dyDv7c8w8.jpg) ^{"Monster Man"}

Life lessons and the wisdom that follows participating first-hand in such events and circumstances can only really be assimilated in full… by experiencing them first hand in full. With this said, it was only because I shared information and how I used of my understanding of said information… that situations arose that granted me the experiences necessary to find the answers I was seeking.

![13.jpg](https://files.peakd.com/file/peakd-hive/lifehackeraf/23x1PnUTy1we4CTDjtkK5V8LEExCLpRAU8Ncm61Tcv5JAJx6xuzP3Cs4w5m7ucALATtNx.jpg)

![17.jpg](https://files.peakd.com/file/peakd-hive/lifehackeraf/23zGqBjei44VZ9h7a6nH549kiN4QAdHfp5fkYtY9Ffez1dg5Jmx7aCugNnCghR5wQhtyN.jpg)

![16.jpg](https://files.peakd.com/file/peakd-hive/lifehackeraf/242NqQ3SxpWgFpBt25jB6s9HePtodrrWhzJQjCXM2fkqKAB7zpcLm4iKLEJn9J7bDvXSz.jpg)

This repeated outcome has been on my radar for over ten years now and I still don’t get it. When to take action and when to allow things to pass and adjust naturally. Because I have experienced, first hand, that things have a way of balancing outa nd teh answers have a way of revealing themselves. Usually far better if a personal ego doesn’t manipulate the outcome. Or despite this!

![7.jpg](https://files.peakd.com/file/peakd-hive/lifehackeraf/23y92XmSBoRR6Drhp5pzz1NUbFXGtoNwjxUSyeRkYwosNirarwwntTzSEwC2now9if1Yq.jpg)

Action is both necessary and inevitable. It’s the knowing when to respond, even more than the how to respond, that is the constant dilemma (for me) nowadays. So why even write? Why, in order to let the past go and move forward of course. ![small-hr.png](https://files.peakd.com/file/peakd-hive/lifehackeraf/23tRrM22XrSXsdUxiSbu55YGPEQwok64yre3RwW9j2EAs63qAVPZiiz73ASxJHNQuKJUu.png) Long and short is that I began to apply for cleaning jobs in 2024 despite a pretty impressive Curriculum Vitae. Housekeeping positions because my actions, and the subsequent reactions of others, had resulted in my being unable to work in ANY arena that I’m skilled to work in. And because cleaning was a way for me to find mental and physical balance at the time. More - I enjoyed the simplicity and moving meditation of the activity. And I was too stunned by human nature/nurture (yet again) to be around people much. I was craving the solitude. ![small-hr.png](https://files.peakd.com/file/peakd-hive/lifehackeraf/23tRrM22XrSXsdUxiSbu55YGPEQwok64yre3RwW9j2EAs63qAVPZiiz73ASxJHNQuKJUu.png) I have said “be careful what you wish for” repeatedly on various posts on various platforms. I don’t think, however, that most folks really appreciate this simple statement. Probably because they haven’t yet noticed that they actually get everything that they wish, pray or ask for… just never how they quite expected it.

![15.jpg](https://files.peakd.com/file/peakd-hive/lifehackeraf/242hd67dt4QVWnn865kpPNYos6V1iqqbFUWTfMyC2sNyyXQjZwfd3PWL3cZN9TKCmw3LH.jpg)

In fact they always receive it in, often, such a different way and with such compromises and losses incurred… that they’ve forgotten that they asked for it in the first place. I wanted to step back from web development and 16 hour days at my remote desktop for some years. And I was trying to figure out how to work in recovery but still blog as a concerned about social justice human. But I wanted to make art. And I couldn’t afford to be an artist or step away from my desk. And I was, essentially, in the same situation of burning myself the fuck out because of my own perceptions, fears and misguided concept of reality that I was in seven years prior – in 2018. Time flies by.

![11.jpg](https://files.peakd.com/file/peakd-hive/lifehackeraf/23xAZzGZFReV1V8Uf88zb8JvNjSB1RpTowtoFzbdZ6Kqg7ZXAZ3sTywUq3Zd4YWEzrxQp.jpg)

But then I shared more truth and in even more brutally honest way and people around me reacted. And then a new set of bizarre events unfolded that removed any possibility of me being on, or seen much on, the internet. With so many people and groups involved that the mystery of wtf just happened will never be resolved. And I reached a stage of my own investigating where I am not interested to know more, quite frankly. I've also moved on. I carried on individuating through the desert storm of other people's part, and my part, in our shared experience... of that which we mostly refer to as "reality". I changed because of all of this. Change is inevitable. ![small-hr.png](https://files.peakd.com/file/peakd-hive/lifehackeraf/23tRrM22XrSXsdUxiSbu55YGPEQwok64yre3RwW9j2EAs63qAVPZiiz73ASxJHNQuKJUu.png) > *"All the world's a stage, and all the men and women merely players; they have their exits and their entrances; and one man in his time plays many parts, his acts being seven ages"* - Jaques in William Shakespeare's pastoral comedy As You Like It. [Google ai search results] I don't think I need to repeat things anymore. For other people's benefit. Am I right? Are you right? How important is it? Really... ![small-hr.png](https://files.peakd.com/file/peakd-hive/lifehackeraf/23tRrM22XrSXsdUxiSbu55YGPEQwok64yre3RwW9j2EAs63qAVPZiiz73ASxJHNQuKJUu.png) But how incredible, huh? All of this “synchronicity”. What I am able to do, these days (after over a decade of some recovery for my own whatever,) is to acknowledge that I got exactly what I asked for. Again again. I’ve (finally!) begun to make fine art and products by hand. And the fear about how to survive, that deterred me from using my very expensive Uni Degree in Fine Art (duh!), while doing this has entirely dissipated. But I had to lose the most important things in my life to gain this new sense of freedom. I had to lose some people, places and things that I would not have compromised on losing - to receive these new answers and circumstances.

![loss.jpg](https://files.peakd.com/file/peakd-hive/lifehackeraf/EpEKHbsYeFHgWv5gdt4DjcrtCBMS7BPWsfu8CnLPKPJNCkiu63mt7TzNQUd7KS2JED2.jpg) ^{"Mon Cour"}

Yeah, be careful what you wish for… But *curiosity keeps me alive*. ![small-hr.png](https://files.peakd.com/file/peakd-hive/lifehackeraf/23tRrM22XrSXsdUxiSbu55YGPEQwok64yre3RwW9j2EAs63qAVPZiiz73ASxJHNQuKJUu.png) So why even post this when I’ve (like most other folks with my perspective) been disappeared on the internet and my stuff may continue to be degraded and vandalised? Well, the validation doesn’t matter at all to me (almost entirely) anymore. Is this authentic individuation, then? Then why post at all? ![small-hr.png](https://files.peakd.com/file/peakd-hive/lifehackeraf/23tRrM22XrSXsdUxiSbu55YGPEQwok64yre3RwW9j2EAs63qAVPZiiz73ASxJHNQuKJUu.png) Well, I know that those who might benefit from it will find it. And if not even this, it’s a box formally ticked so that I can experience my own closure and move forward *into a new experienc*e. Now. In full. ![small-hr.png](https://files.peakd.com/file/peakd-hive/lifehackeraf/23tRrM22XrSXsdUxiSbu55YGPEQwok64yre3RwW9j2EAs63qAVPZiiz73ASxJHNQuKJUu.png) _{The old journal note - I prolly shared this before...} ## December 2018 Day 4 - I am vaguely awake I'm up at my home away from home. The last time I took a proper break was eight years ago. I brought my daughter up here for a three day camping trip. ^{(**2025 note** – the numbers are bizarre | 8, 3, 7, 6)} On day three I asked, "Should we stay another day?" We stayed for six days in the end. I can't remember why we left eventually. Maybe we should have just stayed. Although then I wouldn't be back up here with a song playing repeatedly in my head and literally driving me insane (**2025 note** – “Fuckin’ Perfect", by Pink, was the song). Although at this point I have few people close to me who believe that I am sane anyway. And at this point I have lost enough confidence in my sanity myself. But this is what happens when you care so much more about the opinions of others that you lose faith in your own judgement. Because everyone has their own level of craziness. And if you listen to other people hard enough you will end up taking on theirs as well. And you will get sick. You will lose direction. You will live someone else's life - and this will, in all likelihood, make you very, very unhappy, dissatisfied and disillusioned with your life. And although life is short and it really does go fuckin’ fast - in a flash really - if you choose to live according to other people's opinions and judgements on how a life is best lived (and which are actually based on their own fears and insecurities) - a life can seem like a prison sentence that is interminably long. I've reached a point where I am at a crossroads. As it turns out, I have been here for some time. I just didn't realist that I hadn't made a decision yet. I thought I was still on a journey. But a part of me was hoping that I wouldn't have to take another step all along. So I’ve been toying with death, believing that the choice would eventually be removed from my long list of responsibilities and that I could, once again, say "Oh fuck - oops - sorry I have to leave now - it's beyond my control." This obsession with my own demise and escape from the pain and isolation of my experience of “existence” has been a part of me for as long as I can remember. I have two very extreme personalities living in my head. And no - this does not make me Schizophrenic (although I have been misdiagnosed with this twice). It does not mean that I am a Multiple Personality Disorder, either, which is what people confuse with Schizophrenia. These two personalities are really just two states of being and operating in the world. (**2025 note** – Jung’s Duality experienced in its simplest form | The Dream vs Enlightenment – disillusion/dissolution/the true nature of reality that the Buddhists refer to) One is Fear and one is Love. (**2025 note** – changed to Fear and Truth with more experience and learning) More about that later. So here I am right now *photo of me really haggard and messed up. I'm exhausted, angry as fuck (mostly at myself for being such a pussy), possibly dying of Emphysema (which does not stop me smoking because, hey, life is hard). And smoking is, once again, a cop out that I can, once again, use to avoid responsibility. I’m battling financially (I suck at business and I give money away freely because I have issues with wealth). And also because I have little ability to set boundaries and stick to them (both for myself and others). I’m also battling financially because I’m completely incapable of asking for help. I have very little sense of self-worth or confidence in my own judgement due to constantly being told that I am crazy because I fucking refuse to fit in society's idea of who and what a woman should be. This is not going to turn into a feminist rant. I’ve realised, after having a son, that this fuckedupness regarding socially acceptable and unacceptable behaviour and norms extends to boys as well - and contributes to the current mess that is the world we live in. The division of people based on what genitalia they have and the pressure on our kids to conform and behave in ways that may actually cause them harm emotionally and psychologically. The effects of this could be - at best - a life lived in boredom, lack of creativity and truth. And general unhappiness. At worst - a penchant for self-medicating and seeking oblivion with substances and self-destructive behaviours. Or the quickest and most desperate alternative - suicide. So yes - I am fucking angry. And I am also fucking tired. But both of these things are my own fault and I am, once again, going to try and do better. I've had a few "rock bottoms." Perhaps this is what comes from living a life less ordinary. Or perhaps I’m just stubborn and it takes me hitting my head a few times to figure things out. A good friend once said, "You know what the best thing is about hitting your head against a brick wall?" "When you stop." I'm 47 years old and it seems that I still haven't stopped entirely. I've had some time out. Some peace in between the head-banging. But that has been due to connecting with people who were doing okay. I mimicked their behaviours and belief systems. And I guess you have to, eventually, be yourself. And so I head back to the brick wall and give it another go. So here's a radical concept. For me anyway. Instead of heading back to the brick wall (it’ll be there if I need to return and try this again - it's been there for 47 years and it hasn't budged yet) - I'm going to take a decision to do what is kind and loving for myself instead. Why I not only find this easy but actually enjoy doing for others - yet am completely unable to do for myself - is a long and complicated story. And I don't really want to tell it again at this juncture. At some point I have to let the past go and step forward into a future that I want to be a part of. So - Just for Today – I’m gonna choose to be kind, gentle and forgiving – hell… compassionate - to myself. I’m gonna to take it easy on myself. I am going to speak to myself kindly for a change. (My god - small g intended - we wouldn’t say even a hundredth of the awful shit, we tell ourselves, to a child or friend). I'm going to treat myself like a good friend, a small child, a puppy or a kitten ffs. *voice in my head saying that I should be exercising I am physically exhausted. I'm going to take a fuckin’ nap! Fuck you mainstream media with your supermodels and photoshopping. ![small-hr.png](https://files.peakd.com/file/peakd-hive/lifehackeraf/23tRrM22XrSXsdUxiSbu55YGPEQwok64yre3RwW9j2EAs63qAVPZiiz73ASxJHNQuKJUu.png) >I'll write out the rest of the notes from that "breakthrough" [if you're interested enough to sign up to the membership area](https://buymeacoffee.com/nicoled). You are welcome to ask whatever you like over there as well. > >My time is now dedicated to more creativity and more selfish pursuits. Born of necessity, personal growth and greater self acceptance - and a bit more wisdom. ![small-hr.png](https://files.peakd.com/file/peakd-hive/lifehackeraf/23tRrM22XrSXsdUxiSbu55YGPEQwok64yre3RwW9j2EAs63qAVPZiiz73ASxJHNQuKJUu.png) Will I return to The Perfect Campaign | [Perfect: An alternative perspective on mental health and addiction](https://peakd.com/hive-122315/@nickydee/what-if-doctor-is-wrong-perfect-the-theories-and-practices)” | [This is Perfect](https://peakd.com/afrikaburn/@nickydee/into-the-desert)? I do not know. And, for the first time in my life ever, this doesn’t bother me at all. Because I have experienced more of “the truth”. And, most importantly, have integrated it now. And I’m amped to move forward and learn more. ![small-hr.png](https://files.peakd.com/file/peakd-hive/lifehackeraf/23tRrM22XrSXsdUxiSbu55YGPEQwok64yre3RwW9j2EAs63qAVPZiiz73ASxJHNQuKJUu.png) ## I loved you for freedom >*“Love is the ultimate outlaw. It just won't adhere to any rules. The most any of us can do is to sign on as its accomplice. Instead of vowing to honor and obey, maybe we should swear to aid and abet. That would mean that security is out of the question. The words "make" and "stay" become inappropriate. My love for you has no strings attached. I love you for free.”* >_{-Tom Robbins} ![small-hr.png](https://files.peakd.com/file/peakd-hive/lifehackeraf/23tRrM22XrSXsdUxiSbu55YGPEQwok64yre3RwW9j2EAs63qAVPZiiz73ASxJHNQuKJUu.png) There are only two choices (distilled to its simplest form) for any of us to find authentic freedom. Fear or Truth. That ***Was*** Perfect. Thanks for the learning. On we go. _{*goes back to creating stuff, trying to get old accounts and not all my internet vomit cleaned up (what will be will be – or be careful what you wish for ;) )} ![small-hr.png](https://files.peakd.com/file/peakd-hive/lifehackeraf/23tRrM22XrSXsdUxiSbu55YGPEQwok64yre3RwW9j2EAs63qAVPZiiz73ASxJHNQuKJUu.png) _{*Almost Fully Human*
*Beta than before*
*Maybe*
*Truth is THE only Way Out*
**...**}

_{Images mine and edited with Elements & GIMP. Featured image using ELements and Colorfyai.} _{I am in an extended ai hack because censorship and eh. Typ-ops ^{: D} are not, often, "mine" and my content is, regularly, altered to make me look flaky and stoopid. ^{intentional typo again :D}
[Copy is ai free and images using ai tools are marked as such]}

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