Your face is a bit blue because sitting on a bench right next to the glow of the garden lights. My legs swept the path of Ogrod Saski looking at you with a bit of a nuisance, storing memory in this place four years ago. I'm sitting next to you. You sit looking at the flower bed in front of us.
"Do you remember the last time we were here?" I asked you whose face was slightly flushed. In fact, at night like this, between the illumination that is not really fluorescent, I can see your flush face.
"Ah, let me go on," I cleared my throat, "we're here in the afternoon, at dusk, and I express feelings to you. You do not say anything, cry no, then just walk away. "
"You expect me to cry?"
I laughed softly. "Is not women always like that when someone tries to ask her feelings?"
"Your knowledge is very short." Hannah denied my statement and then crossed her arms. There is a line of questions in your eyeballs. This bebungaan bed is still beautiful even though the night is getting thicker.
The watch in my hand was half past ten. Ilham is already sleeping. You sent me WhatsApp message to meet here. Get it all done.
"What now? We are on the verge of each departure. You still want to fix it or ...? "
"God ... I do not know, Ar. Everything's been hard for me. "
"You made it difficult for yourself. So do I. We're no different than a couple who lost their way. We were on the same road and then there was nothing else. "
Those words are popping something from within you. I know that when your face suddenly turns for a moment I say that. Your eyes begin to stare and look at me as if nothing more than the apocalypse that hit your heart when the decision should slide out of your lips. I know because I feel it too.
This second. Tonight. Maybe tomorrow and even ... forever.
"Do not hesitate. Just look at this Ogrod Saski again, "I stretched out my hand, my right hand covered your face. You protest and I do not laugh. I miss the smile and your sweet, sweet smile. I miss the days with you again. "Warsaw has always been something to connect us, is not it?"
You shyly admit it. Though it does not change anything. "My decision is unanimous. I can not just throw away my father's will. "
The tongue is so distant. Releasing is never easy. Not when it used to be in Yogyakarta and now in Warsaw. Though the fracture was painful, I realized that friendship with Ilham was above all else. Also by loving you. I had to choose one.
"Well ... after thinking long, maybe it's time I started learning to accept this destiny."
"If that's the case, then yes. It's not difficult, is it? "
And now I feel my chest like a hot tin doused. Like a fire burning. My heart's favor is wood burned by time in a fireplace called departure. We have the past. And all that has become ashes.
"It should not be easy," I sighed. "The last four years I've prepared everything. I've even brought a brown folder with a letter for you. "
You're a little surprised. "What letter? Mother did say you brought a brown folder, but you did not know what it was because you said you had to go away again. "
I laughed at it. You still remember and believe in the stupid reason that I revealed to you first.
"Of course not! I wrote it down ... for you. And I want to once again believe everything in this book can come true. "
You take a deep breath and push it slowly. I wiggle my black booted foot slowly on the path. Sweep the snow. I can see drizzle still flowing softly down your cheeks. Unfortunately I did not bring a tissue now.
"I can not, Ar. This time I have to make absolutely sure that one decision is very important for my future. We are destined to love each other, but not to have. Because that's probably another definition of love. "
Probably true, the departure always leaves a wound inside the chest. A wound that no antidote. Unlike on the surface of the skin that can be treated by red medicine, sometimes the wound that stopped in this chest never healed. No matter how much humans love.
About wounds, we are the same. As for the estuary, you choose another path. Maybe I should start off you, though not easy. Although the word was never slid out of my lips.
I put my hand into my coat pocket. Rearing my head, staring up at the night sky which is now beginning to arrive because the moon seems to know that my heart is drowning in darkness. For the second time, I had to accept this departure again.
"Never regret the past, Arifin. Sometimes you have to leave something to get something. I once felt so lost without a father. And now, I have to let you go so that the hole can be patched. Because of my father, I chose Ilham. "
I hugged you very tightly. Maybe this is the last time. Dunno, Ogrod Saski has never been a good witness to our feelings. Here is the beginning of your quest, here I end it. The beginning and the end are the same. You go and come back, but not with the same feelings.
